Failure yet Fair enough

 Tonight, Im so exhausted, excited, overthinking too too much, and suffering. All happen is at the same time. I am multi-tasking on everything.

Whatever unspoken word, I keep it inside,

Tears will come later, smile first on my own, 

But second I must calm down, 

What's in your mind think and heart feel actually when you keep hide.

Tonight is  another miserable day and history of my life which is. I failed as a partner and as a daughter. Which is also the cause of losing both of them in my life. Yes, it's true. I lost both of the man in my life. Lost in a way which I can say, leaving me and throw me like I was just a material or not human treatment.

I'm pretty sure both of them cannot be replaced by money nor another human. But, it just makes me broke into pool of tears and pain for holding on. 

I already lost my mom, I lost perfect harmony family, I lost my girls BFF, I lost my kolej-mates. I was not allowed to have a pet which is my fav is Cat. All of this, its just make me sadner even more. I'm not sure what other words to describe sadness or pain.

Since I met and Inloved with the man that I finally decided wannna spend time in lifetime, I'm slowly healing bcoz of him. My depression is gone. My anxiety still there, well at least I am getting better since he willingly start a chapter with me. Unfortunately, I have to let him go. I have to make him believe that I am worst and not made for him. Not worth at all. In that way, he can move on easily. I'm broke into tears and almost like insane or madness of me doin all of this bad thing to him. I need him so badly in my life, yet I can't make him happy. He's just suffering with me all this time. If I can't make him happy, how Im gonna move forward without overthinking? It will never be easy to go on this life without him and knowing that I can't called him Mine edy. I'm just pain and hurt. I missed him a lot too too much. I'm so sorry my dear baby.

On the other sides, all this years in my life, I patience a lot. Im being an obedient daughter, I tried to be perfect daughter all this yearssssss. Even treat like a robot edy. And been controlled. But, *semakin saya bersuara atau pun berkata, semakin itulah saya Di pijak Dan Di tempias ayat2 yg x sepatutnya..

That's the moment I let it out and being devil daughter. 

I knw. I dnt have no one else to protect me, support and wipe my tears. Everything I face today and tonight is just myself. My own. Me and I. While hugging all my plushies and Teddy. I can hear the whisper very clearly. I should end my life. But, at the same time. Idk why my partner or my ex. Idk what are we. But idk why I cared and think a lot abt him. Coz I feel bad. I can't keep my words and promises. That I will be with him till he achieved what he wants. Idc abt my dad any more, if he dah boleh sayings things that unrelated abt or towards me and dnt wanna care abt me. I'm fine then. I know I will be fine later, and I know too. Fine is just fake.

I'm still considering, what to do with my life...

I just managed to heard the whispered only... 

Shiny Stars

you are shinning like the Gold Stars, Unfortunately, it's not for me. Probably for someone else. Because you gimme an options of take the doors and live with our own separate ways. huh.

I thought you convince me to stayed with you coz you need me. But oke, Now I get it. Before and currently is not the same. fine.

It's sad to accept the fact that I'm no longer the person that you needed the most. but you know what's the other facts that really pain to accept? I still care and love you. auuch </3

One Hundred Days

What is 100 days about? Why 100 days? - simple question with meaningful answer. jyeah ~

I've been drowning in the ocean full of toxic that causes my mental and health weak. I though, my life is gonna end soon. I almost give up on life. I lose confident. I don't believe in love and happiness already. I wanna shut down forever. I wanna lock myself away from the world. You and I know, we both know that we're living in the world full of curses and sins. I almost believe that there's no room of happiness in life again. again? hmm.

One day, who knows that a guy that I known by his name only turn out to be a mystery and huge curiosity after I woke up from that dream. Because, I never woke up from dreams and left me clueless. It makes me miss him so much. It hurts me. Probably because I can't do anything about it and Im speechless. But then, the day we've meet up. I know. I feel calm and safe just stay beside him. ehee. I try my best not to show it much but deep inside, I never feel calm like that after soooo long ~

Day by day, the feelings of liking him is getting strong. ehhh? 

the day I want to accept him..is kinda hard decision ever. because it involved .. almost everything. So, I decided on 100th days is the day I want to accept him - in person. Unfortunately, MCO is extending. 

errr, finally, I accept him! Im not sure how.but it just did. aiish.

New Year, same Old Pain

 

not trying to be deep, but no one actually knows me properly. and that's included you...

if you ask me what I want now, I just want to disappear with heartless emotions inside of me. I don't want to feel loved, cared, missing, sad, happy, curious, confused, angry and more. bcoz when I have these, most of the time human not appreciated it at all. instead they blame me for not understanding them also the environment that they face.

I just want something free. what is free in this world?

Reassurance,

Time,

Affections,

Love.

Not fair if in order to be happy, have to go through this stage first. History list already dark and pain need more to add in the list of my life? well, it seems that way.