The First Thing You Leave Behind

Every time the sky between us darkens,

you do not raise your voice—

you lower the bridge.

"Don't text."

"Don't call."

"We don't have to meet."

"Let's skip tonight."

As if love is the first thing

that must be packed away

whenever sadness comes knocking.

Our routines—

the quiet good mornings,

the sleepy good nights,

the comfort of simply existing

in each other's day—

become the price we pay

for every misunderstanding.

I keep wondering,

why is distance

always your answer to pain?

While I reach for your hand,

you loosen your grip.

While I search for words,

you erase the places

where words could have lived.

I never feared the arguments

as much as I feared

how easily you offered

to live without me for a while.

Because love,

at least the kind I dream of,

doesn't ask,

"Should we stop being us?"

It whispers,

"I don't know how to fix this yet...

but don't leave my side."

So every time you offer silence,

I quietly ask myself—

If our love is something

you can set aside

whenever life gets heavy,

am I your peace...

or merely the first thing

you're willing to lose?

penat jadi baik.

this year 2026 filled with good and happy memories with friends, a little bit with family but mostly with my beloved man.

but who knows.... this year also filled with tears, fears, sadness with them.. but most of it with my man too.

so here's the thing... each time im really in the state of happiness - there will be sadness/frustration coming upp.. why?

why i said "penat jadi baik", its bcoz selama ni i jadi baik lama2 kna "take me for granted". i hate that feeling just bcoz selfish permintaan such as what??

such as nak keluar hangout with friends sampai tak perlu checking up on? tinggalkan i seorang2 after knowing i cried emotionally which i have to deal it alone coz my man jauhh. i dont wanna feel lonely more or abandoned but it happened anyways... telling me lies like wanna kluar makan jappp.. but ended up few hourss till nak sunrise gone. 

to me. THATS FUCK UPP behavior and words. how come he managed to admit that his fault?? he knew what he was doing but waiting till he reach home first baru nak admitted?? then lastly texted before head to bed was "later we talk okay"..

LATER WE TALK????? 

what we're doing all this time? 24/7 oncalled.. why not direct gimme a called?? exhausted too much? i didn't know hangout with his friends can make him exhaustion until can't even push a button to call me. while all this time, elokkk saja called me each time reach home after sending me home. why after seeing his friends be an exception to not calling me??

and, since when he wanna talk about something went wrong orr where theres a fault?? after everything and that's his last responding by telling me no need to talk to him... well... yourself yg make things go worst.

cukuplah selama nii. when things go wrong, i kena hadap his silence, his hot tempered emotions. his voices loudest shouted at me through phones or facetoface. and keep highlighting about respect/disrespect.. tone up or not.. always like that.. but overall. he just not listening to what i said. he listened to my voice tone not the words that i told him. he seen the actions what i did but not try to understand why i did it...

EVEN we're in a good terms, i always ask or wanna open talk about future how to handle us if things go wrong... and he shows like hes confident can handle it better and better if it comes... but today? now?? what happened to that confident that can handle when things go wrong??

protecting your ego and pride? keep it then. it makes me lost trust in this love. it makes my nerve system feel not safe anymore. im tired telling the same thing.. even directly im hurt. i disappointed... but all he gave me was he silent and enjoy time with his friends untill sunrise. bullshits ever that i need to face that again in my lifetime.

im everything?? im his peace?? im his home??? im his wife?? almost everything???? but MANAGE TO ABANDONED ME UNTIL SUNRISE... NOT BOTHER AT ALL ABOUT ME. well, that sounds like a guy single who has no one to taking care of or remembering... if he missing his single life, he can go bck to single then. iff he feels that i control him, then i let him go so he can have his freedom.. when all i wanted iss needed to be feel loved even his outside with ppl (but rasanya kna nmpk mcm i nak controlling him) then i better step back.

at this point... i do believe this statement where people said "happy wife, happy marriage".

i honesty speechless and heartbroken apart after i told him directly i disappointed. he did nothing. only after reach home and said like those texts? that's heartbreaking.... while i was waiting and hoping he muncul and shows some love more... but i received nothing.

he "later we talk okay"..

why i dont agree to talk? coz i already told him few times im disappointed.. when hes going out AND while he's out. what he did? just informing me that he bumps upp with his friends? soo??? what about me??? he did nothing. he knows i disappointed on him. and he choose to abandoned me. thats a clearly answers for everything dahh. so theres nothing to talk. if you truly in love "purely" konon with someone... you will showed to the women that shes mattered. shes loved. shes not alone... he will be there even hes out. he will immediately sorry for making feels disappointed.. or easy way. he will immediately called to women he truly love.. but overall... i got nothing... again i repeated.. only texted he informing he meet bumps up with his friends and makan2. thats all. 

entah apalah makan2 sampai sunrise few hours gone without checking phone orrr even push button call?? who is this friends actually?? sangat2 respectful to this friends until abandoned me... lebih prefer respectful to this friends smpai x sentuh phone?? and disrespectful to me by leaving me behind?? why need to delay apologizing and anything else? why need to wait smpai rmh dlu bru say all of that? 

i dont need to hear the explanations. i can feel it louder by what actions hes giving during that time... and that is not something i forgive easily again.. 

so many things i didn't forgive him easily on many things.. add on this again?? i can take my time to forgive.. not now but someday... it might take a longest time.. but it will be.

but this time is different. i didn't hide. i didn't fake. he knew i was just done cried badly. emotionally not stable. but still choose to go out just bcoz 1 reason "release stress"...

for the whole fucking day. we're sleeping oncall.. we're not talking much.. and there he is.. going shower.. sleepy... take a short nap. after woke up then wanna go out JUST BECAUSE ADA CAR... ohhyes.... he did ada ajak me keluar. i said, i have no mood. no mood has manyyyy reasons. no mood means i just done cried, my face swollen. i haven't eat yet for the whole day, i haven't showered yet. overall, i have financial issues.. and i don't like the feeling of menyusahkan with my own partner. even i really wanna see him. 

but even i dnt have energy to say all of that.. i just asked him -- just go ahead. why?? coz im tired of getting MAD again. i already told him no need to go out tonight during siang hari. he said OKAY... then dah mentang2 ada ketaa.. nak prefer kluar juga coz nak hilangkan stress. WTF stress ni?? 

and he did it anyways.... keluar nak release stress... habistuu i seorang2 kat rumah tak stress?? tak sedihh?? emotionally tak stable... terrbiar kat rmh... i needed him. but he doesn't need me. he need his friends more than me. 

and thats enough to seen and feel.. theres nothing to talk... he was not inlove fully of me. he's just in love during the best version of me. orrr whenever entertaining moments he wants.

at his worst time. soo far i didnt left him behind. even im there.. he always wanna be alone for awhile. and then come back to me. how about me? still going out until sunrise.. knowing my keadaan is not that good. and thats something facts moment that really hard to forget...

now.. i dont care about whats gonna happen to this relationship. its up to him. iff he wanted to and feeling guilty.. will he dare to change himself and keeping words and promises??? nnoo. i dont put hopes and expectations (even i wanted to).. i dont put on that to him.. coz... what i can see him now.. he just comfortable with his own preferences.. he doesn't care about everything he do or say might be consequences iff he doesn't consider what i was telling him. 

iff ituu yg dia nak buat. go ahead. coz thats the real of youu.. i x control pun.. soo jhyeah.. ive seen it. im just not matter that much as what he told me during good moments.... 

1 more thing about him that im huge disappointed but i still stayed with him no matter what... is that... he didnt realise.. if things go wrong. he never comfort me with full of loved when we’re apart ways... even I didn't get it.. i ended up pujuk diri sndiri and masih lagi stay dngn dia. tpii friends lagi penting dri partner right.. he shouldn't be in a relationship if he cannot take care of his partner no matter what happened.

if that's what I must see.

I cannot describe the weight of this disappointment,

only that it settles where trust once lived.

I don't like what I am seeing.

And if I don't like it,

then perhaps that is answer enough.

I no longer need the reasons,

nor the explanations that come after the hurt.

Some things break the heart

before they ever reach the mind.

Maybe it is better for the world to believe

that I belong to no one,

than for me to proudly say I belong to you

while my heart questions where your eyes wander.

You are my man.

You once promised to guard your eyes,

to not be easily swayed

by every passing beauty the world offers.

I never asked for perfection.

I only asked for a promise

to remain a promise.

Because love was never about possession.

It was about choosing each other,

even when no one was watching.

Today, I carry a silence

heavier than any explanation you could give.

Not because I no longer love you,

but because disappointment

has a way of speaking louder than words.

did he ever loved me? even he's green flag?

Losing my best friend and biggest support system isn't easy at all.

maybe its true.. you still can let go of the person you love while still loving them. maybe its the best decision so no one gets hurts.. maybe we're meant to be in love by distance and not staying together...

im scared from now on... how to live a day without him. without his presence.... im not sure. its terrifying. but hes not terrifying during our difficult moments, hes not even try to asked me if we can start over?? 

its oke to cry now... soon it will stop... i hope he knows and always knew that... i has always loving him so deeply even i had disappointed on him. i hope he carry the memories.. the day where i made him smile and happy... i hope he keep that moment with him along the way...

coz to me : he's been always the best man i ever had in my life. so to savings our mental... i rather take a step back and iloveyou always dear... AA.

the weight of your words.

You told me,

"I always forgive you… but I never forget."

For a moment,

everything inside me went quiet.

I didn't know

whether to feel relieved

that you forgave me,

or terrified

that every mistake I ever made

still lives inside your heart.

Then you said

you already knew what was coming.

That every time

our love became difficult,

every time our emotions became too heavy,

every time our arguments swallowed us whole.

I would say,

"Let's end this."

Or,

"I'm not afraid of what happens after this, even if it means losing you."

You said you expected it.

As though those words

had become a pattern

you no longer questioned.

What you never knew

was that those words

were never a destination.

They were cries

from someone overwhelmed.

A heart speaking louder than wisdom.

A frightened soul

hoping someone would hold it still.

Deep inside,

I wasn't waiting for you to let me go.

I was waiting

for you to remind me

that love doesn't walk away

when emotions become unbearable.

I was hoping

you would hold my hand,

look me in the eyes,

and say,

"We're angry, but we're not ending."

"We'll get through this."

"I'm not giving up on us."

Instead,

you answered,

"Okay then. Make sure you take it to the grave."

Those words

didn't end the argument.

They broke something

I didn't know could break.

Because in that moment,

I realized

you believed my worst words

more than you believed my heart.

Then you told me,

"If you keep saying things like this, it means you never truly loved me. It means you never intended to stay."

I wanted to tell you

how wrong that was.

How someone

who never loved you

wouldn't still be here,

trying to explain,

trying to fix,

trying to be understood

with tears caught between every sentence.

I wanted to tell you

that loving someone

and expressing pain poorly

are not the same thing.

That I was never threatening

to leave because I stopped loving you.

I was speaking

from fear,

hurt,

frustration,

and emotions

I didn't know how to carry.

But every time

I tried to explain,

my voice disappeared beneath yours.

The more I spoke,

the less you heard.

The more I reached for understanding,

the further it seemed to drift away.

Then you said,

"This keeps happening. It's repeated so many times that I don't even need to write it down anymore. It's already stuck in my head."

I couldn't argue anymore.

Not because I agreed with everything.

But because I finally understood

how deeply I had hurt you.

So I became silent.

Not because I had nothing to say.

But because every word

felt too late.

I carried the guilt.

You carried the memories.

And somewhere between

your inability to forget

and my inability to explain,

we both became prisoners

of the same pain.

If only you could have seen

that behind every reckless sentence

was someone terrified

of not being enough.

If only I had known

how deeply those words

were carving themselves

into your heart.

Perhaps

we would have fought each other less,

and fought for each other more.

Because despite everything—

I never wanted to leave.

I only wanted reassurance

from the person

I was so afraid of losing.

And now,

I sit here wondering—

Can love survive

when forgiveness remembers everything...

and explanations

are never truly heard?

the Day I choose Silence.

I believed your words

until they echoed

without ever becoming truth.

I believed your promises

until they became seasons—

always arriving,

never staying.

I believed my tears

would soften your heart.

Instead,

they became another victory

for your pride.

I kept speaking,

not to win,

but to be understood.

I wanted you to know

why I was hurting,

why my voice trembled,

why my heart sounded louder

than my words.

But you never listened.

You heard my tone,

yet ignored my pain.

You judged my voice,

yet never held my heart.

Again and again,

you told me,

"Stop talking."

So I did.

Not because I had nothing left to say,

but because you convinced me

nothing I said

would ever matter.

Then you said

you were done with me,

that you never wanted

to hear another word from me again.

So I gave you

exactly what you asked for—

Silence.

And suddenly,

my quiet became louder

than all the words

you refused to hear.

Your calls came.

Your messages followed.

You asked where I was.

But tell me...

Why search for the voice

you were so desperate to silence?

The saddest part isn't

that I stopped believing you.

It's that somewhere

between your words

and my silence,

I stopped believing

love would ever sound

like home again....

princess don't cryy.

Love in a relationship is more than a feeling. Feelings can become stronger or weaker over time. Love is also a choice and a series of actions that help a relationship grow, even during difficult moments.

A healthy definition of love includes several things:

Care – You genuinely want your partner to be safe, happy, and well, even when it's inconvenient.

Respect – You value each other's thoughts, feelings, boundaries, and individuality. You don't belittle, control, or intentionally hurt one another.

Trust – You believe your partner is honest and dependable, and you work to build that trust over time.

Commitment – You choose to stay engaged with the relationship and work through problems together instead of avoiding every difficult conversation.

Understanding – You try to understand your partner's experiences and emotions, even if you don't fully agree with them.

Communication – Love means talking openly, listening sincerely, and making room for both people's feelings.

Growth – You encourage each other to become healthier, happier, and better versions of yourselves.

What love is not:

Never arguing.

Always feeling butterflies.

Accepting disrespect or repeated emotional harm.

One person doing all the work while the other stops trying.

..

A relationship doesn't need to be perfect. Couples will disagree, make mistakes, and hurt each other unintentionally. The difference is that both people are willing to repair, communicate, and keep choosing the relationship.

A simple way to think about it is:

Love is choosing each other every day through care, respect, honesty, effort, and commitment—even when it's hard.

silent.

he become silent because he stopped caring.

im grieving again.

Im grieving the gap between what he promised and what he actually does when things go difficult... erm.

You once told me that you would never walk away, never leave me, and never let me go through all of this alone again. You told me you were afraid of losing me. I believed every word.

But when things become emotionally difficult, your actions tell me something completely different.

When I'm right beside you and I tell you something is bothering me, you don't ask me to stay and talk. You don't ask what else is on my mind, reassure me, or try to understand me. Instead, you send me home, even when I never asked to leave. Once I'm home, there's no follow-up, no "Can we talk?", no "I don't want you going to bed feeling this way," no effort to make sure we're okay. You just let me go, and then comes the silence.

It's the same when we're apart. Whenever something is wrong between us, you rarely reach out first. You don't ask if we can talk things through or try to understand what's happening. Most of the time, you stay silent, and I'm left wondering if I should be the one to reach out again.

I'm confused because your words and your actions don't match. You said you were scared of losing me, but when I'm slipping away emotionally, you don't seem to fight for us. You don't show me that you're afraid to lose me.

I've spent so much time trying to understand your pain, your past, your trauma, and why you react the way you do. I keep reminding myself to be patient because I know everyone carries silent battles. But I'm your present. Have you ever tried to understand my pain the way I've tried to understand yours? Have you ever stopped to think about what your silence does to me???

I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for communication, reassurance, and effort. I want to feel like when something is wrong between us, we're both willing to fight for the relationship instead of leaving one person to carry all the emotional weight.

Right now, it feels like I'm the only one reaching out, trying to fix things, and trying to keep us together. That's what hurts the most.

err. He used to stay on calls with me almost 24/7. He would accompany me while I slept. That version of him made me feel chosen and safe.

So now, when he who once couldn't leave me alone is suddenly able to stay silent for more than 24 hours after such a painful conversation, of course I'm questioning everything...

lost in thoughts- Lonely

Another day spent at home, alone. Everyone is busy, including my friends. After so long, today is the first day I've been completely silent. I didn't talk to anyone or reach out. I just kept myself distracted by watching YouTube and doing anything I could to pass the time.

But deep down, I feel hurt. I miss you.

We used to spend almost every moment together, staying on the phone 24/7, even falling asleep on call. You were always there to keep me company, and I got used to having your presence in my everyday life.

Today, you're not here. You haven't reached out since our argument last night. Maybe you need space, and I want to respect that. But not hearing from you at all, especially when we haven't resolved anything between us, makes this loneliness feel even heavier.

I wish it were easier for me to go through my day without needing you this much. I wish I didn't carry this weight so easily. I've tried to distract myself, but somehow my mind always finds its way back to you.

I keep looking at my phone, hoping to see your name appear on my screen. Every notification makes me wonder if it's you, but it never is.

Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe you really do need time. But a part of me can't stop wondering—if I truly matter to you, would you have reached out by now??

I don't know what to do anymore. Right now, I'm just sitting with my thoughts, trying to make sense of this silence, and hoping it doesn't mean more than it already feels.

im not matter part 2.

You always tell me that whenever I need you, I should just call you.

If I wake up too early in the morning and can't sleep, you tell me to call you so you can keep me company. If I'm not feeling well, you tell me to call you. If I'm home alone and feeling scared or lonely, you tell me to call you. If I have a nightmare, you tell me to wake you up and call you until you answer. You always remind me, "I'm here, babe. I'm always here for you."

Those words made me feel safe. They made me believe that no matter what happened, I could always count on you.

But when things aren't okay between us, even if we're not arguing, just feeling moody or emotionally distant, everything changes.

Even when I'm right there beside you, your first decision is to send me home. After that, you go silent. You don't reach out first. You don't call. You don't text. And when I try to reach you, most of the time you don't even respond.

In those moments, you're no longer "here for me."

This isn't the first time it's happened. We've already been through this before. We talked about it, and I truly believed we understood each other. I believed things would be different because you promised me I would never have to go through this again.

But today proved otherwise.

It hurts because I'm facing the exact same pain again. The same silence. The same feeling of being pushed away when I need you the most. It's a huge disappointment because I trusted your promise.

Sometimes I wonder if seeing each other so often has made you take me for granted. Or maybe you never really learned anything from what happened before.

After one of our biggest fights, you told me you were serious about wanting to be my husband. I held onto those words because they meant everything to me.

But how am I supposed to believe that when, every time things become emotionally difficult, you shut me out instead of holding onto me?

How am I supposed to feel safe building a future with someone who sends me away when I need reassurance the most?

Lately, I've started questioning everything. Did you choose me because you truly love me, or because I made your lonely life feel less lonely? Do you really understand what it means to love someone, especially when things aren't easy?

Love isn't only about being there when everything is good. It's about choosing each other when things are heavy, uncomfortable, and difficult. It's about staying, communicating, reassuring, and working through it together, not sending each other away and hoping the silence will fix everything.

That's all I've ever wanted from you. Not perfection. Just the feeling that when things go wrong, you'll choose us instead of distance.

since you love distance, maybe its good we gantung this relationship.

And another thing that hurts is how unfair this feels.

I've spent so much time trying to understand you. your pain, your past, your trauma, and everything you've been through that shaped the person you are today. Whenever something happened between us, I tried to look beyond the moment. I reminded myself of your experiences, your struggles, and every possibility that could explain why you reacted the way you did. Not because I wanted to make excuses for you, but because I genuinely wanted to understand you better and love you better.

But did you ever do the same for me?

Did you ever try to understand what shaped me, what hurts me, what I need, or why certain things affect me the way they do?

Looking at what's happening now, it doesn't feel like you did. It feels like I was the only one putting in the effort to understand the person I love while hoping you would eventually do the same for me.

And that's what breaks my heart.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm simply not worth that effort. Maybe I'm not worth receiving the same patience, curiosity, understanding, or care that I've always tried to give you. Maybe I'll never get the version of you that truly wants to know me, understand me, and choose me the way I've always chosen you...

im not matter.

My biggest disappointment isn't just what happened, it's realizing how little you seem to know me despite everything we've been through.

You have time to learn about the sea, animals, cars, your games, vaping, your friends, your family, and even everything that's happening in wars on the other side of the world. You stay updated, you remember details, and you make an effort to understand the things that interest you. But when it comes to me, it feels like you've never really tried to understand who I am, what I need, or how I feel.

Sometimes I wonder why. Is it because I'm still "new" in your life? Is it because we're not family? Or was I just someone who made your lonely days feel less lonely?

Whenever you see that I'm upset or angry, you never ask me to stay a little longer so we can talk things through. You never stop me from leaving with a heavy heart or try to understand what went wrong. You never ask what you could do differently. Instead, your first solution is always to send me home, as if it's easier to avoid the problem than face it together.

And now you're staying silent, making it seem like I'm creating unnecessary drama. I'm not trying to decide who's the victim or whose fault this is. That's not the point.

The point is that I'm deeply disappointed because this keeps happening. Just like before, you let me pack my things, let me walk away, drove me to my friend's house, and never once showed that you were afraid of losing me. In those moments, it felt like your pride and emotions mattered more than my feelings.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. Most of all, I'm disappointed.

We've gone through so many difficult moments together. I thought those experiences would help us grow and teach us how to love each other better. But it feels like nothing has changed. It doesn't feel like you've learned anything about me, about us, or about what this relationship needs.

We've spent so much time together, yet it feels like you still don't know me. You still avoid communicating. You still avoid working through our problems. And every time things become difficult, the easiest choice for you is to send me away instead of fighting for us.

I never expected you to know everything about me overnight. I only wanted to feel that you genuinely wanted to learn me the way you learn about the things you're passionate about. Because when someone truly matters, you become curious about them. You pay attention. You remember. You try to understand them.

That's what hurts the most.

between fire and skyy

You were the fire,

I was the sky,

two different worlds

learning how to align.

You carried warmth like the sun,

I carried dreams like the stars,

both of us with hidden battles,

both of us carrying scars.

We were never perfect,

never promised an easy way,

but somehow we kept finding

reasons to choose each other every day.

When life became heavy,

when our families brought storms,

when our hearts grew tired

from trying to stay strong,

you held my hand through the chaos,

I stood beside you through the rain,

not because we had no struggles,

but because we knew love was worth the pain.

You taught me that love can be patient,

I taught you that hearts can grow,

that two people with broken pieces

can still create something whole.

Maybe we are fire and sky,

different in every way,

but somehow we meet in the middle

at the end of every day.

So here’s to our future,

to the dreams we’re still chasing,

to the jobs we’re still waiting for,

to the lives we’re slowly creating.

May we keep learning each other,

keep laughing, keep trying, keep choosing us,

because love was never about being perfect.

it was about staying

when leaving would have been easier.

And after every storm we survive,

I hope we look back and see:

two souls who kept growing,

two hearts who chose to be.

still choosing us

Almost the end of June,

another month passing by,

with dreams held quietly in our hands

and hopes we refuse to let die.

I pray for a door to open,

a chance to finally begin,

a place where my efforts are valued,

where a new chapter can start within.

And I pray the same for you,

that life becomes a little kind,

that the weight you carry every day

slowly leaves your heart and mind.

We both come from places

that taught us how to survive,

families with their own storms,

battles we carry inside.

We have our own wounds,

our own fears, our own flaws,

days when loving feels difficult,

days when we struggle to pause.

But somehow, through everything,

through the tears and the pain,

we still find reasons to stay,

to choose each other again.

Maybe love was never meant

to be a perfect road,

maybe it is two tired souls

helping each other carry the load.

I hope we keep learning,

keep growing side by side,

not because life is easy,

but because we choose to try.

May we become softer,

more patient, more true,

building a love that feels safe

for me and for you.

So as June comes to an end,

I whisper this little prayer:

may we find our dreams,

may we heal our scars,

and may we still find each other there.

Because after everything we’ve faced,

after every storm we’ve known,

we are still two hearts learning

how to make a home.

a little light for you

When the world becomes too loud,

and your heart becomes too tired,

remember there is still a light

waiting beyond the fire.

Not every season blooms,

not every sky stays blue.

Even the strongest trees

lose leaves before they grow anew.

You have lost, you have worried,

you have cried more than I know,

but inside your heart still lives

a strength that continues to grow.

So take my hand, my friend,

on the days you cannot see.

I will remind you of your worth

until you remember it yourself.

Because you are not the storms,

you are not the pain you've known.

You are a soul still healing,

still finding your way home.

friend's experience and mine

I understand why you see your friends' relationships that way. I understand that after facing a hard world, you want your relationship to be a place where you feel safe, calm, and at peace. I don't disagree with wanting that.

But I also believe that peace doesn't always mean never having arguments. Sometimes two people can love each other deeply and still have misunderstandings, different feelings, or moments where they hurt each other. What matters to me is what we do after that, whether we try to understand each other, take responsibility, and choose to become better together.

I have seen couples who went through difficult moments, said things they regretted, and still stayed because at the end of the day they still cared about each other and didn't want to lose what they built.

I don't want us to keep hurting each other or living in constant stress. I want peace with you too. But my hope is that we don't measure our relationship only by how many arguments we have. I hope we also look at how much we care, how we try, and whether we are both willing to choose each other when things are not easy...

the Answer i was hoping to hear.

I asked you, again and again,

“What do you want now?”

Not because I wanted you

to carry everything for me.

Not because I couldn’t choose.

But because my heart was searching

for a sign that you were still here.

I was hoping you would say,

“I still want us.”

“I’m tired, but I don’t want to lose you.”

“Let’s figure this out together.”

But instead, you asked me,

“Decide for yourself.”

And I became quiet.

Because how do I decide

when my heart is still waiting

to know if it is being chosen?

How do I know whether to hold on

or let go,

when the person I love

is standing beside me

but I cannot feel where they stand?

I know I have my flaws.

I know my emotions can become heavy.

I know sometimes my words come out wrong

when my heart is only asking to be understood.

I never wanted arguments.

I never wanted to destroy the peace

you were searching for.

I was only trying to say,

“Please don’t give up on me so quickly.”

“Please don’t see my worst moments

as the only version of me.”

Because behind my anger

is a heart that cares.

Behind my tears

is someone afraid of losing you.

But now I am faced with a question

I never wanted to answer alone…

Do I keep fighting for us

when I don’t know if you are still fighting too?

Do I stay because I love you,

or do I leave because I am tired

of wondering if I am still wanted?

Maybe the hardest part is not choosing.

Maybe the hardest part is realizing

that I wanted you to choose me too...

am I being too much to Love??

Am I allowed to be this real?

With all my emotions spilling over,

with my words coming out messy,

with my heart trying to explain

what my mouth does not know how to say.

I never wanted a fight.

I never woke up wishing for an argument.

I never planned to become a storm

inside the home I wanted to feel safe in.

I was only trying to say,

“Please understand me.”

“Please hear what I cannot say calmly.”

“Please remind me that we are still choosing each other.”

But somehow my pain became a problem.

My feelings became a burden.

My attempts to be honest

became something you wanted to escape from.

You said you wanted peace.

But I wonder…

Was peace supposed to mean

a home without arguments,

or a home where two people

still choose to stay through them?

Because when you said

you were tired,

you wanted to give up,

you were done facing this again…

Those words did not feel like peace.

They felt like a door closing

while I was still standing outside,

wondering if I was still your wife,

or just someone you were slowly letting go of.

I asked you,

“Do you still want me?

Do you still want to be my husband?”

But instead of an answer,

you gave me a question.

“Ask yourself.”

And now I am lost…

Because I know my flaws.

I know I can be emotional.

I know sometimes my heart speaks louder

than my patience.

But I never wanted a perfect person.

I only wanted my person

to hold my hand and say,

“We will learn this together.”

So tell me…

Am I too much to understand?

Am I too difficult to choose?

Or am I just a person

still learning how to love

without hurting the one I love?

Because even my worst sides

are still parts of me.

And I only wanted to know…

After seeing all of me,

the beautiful and the broken,

do you still see

a future with me???

The Answer I Never Say

“How are you?” they ask,

and I smile like it is an easy question.

“I’m good.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m okay.”

Three small words

that carry the weight

of everything I cannot explain.

Because the truth is…

I am tired.

I am heartbroken.

I have a thousand things inside my chest

that are begging to be heard.

I want to say,

“Please stay for a while.

I don’t need you to fix me,

I just need someone to listen.”

But then I remember

everyone has their own storms.

Everyone is fighting battles

they don’t talk about.

So I swallow my pain,

fold it neatly,

and put it away

like it does not need a place to exist.

I wonder…

Is it selfish to ask for comfort

when someone else is hurting too?

Is it wrong to need a hand

when other hands are already tired?

Maybe I forgot

that hearts were never meant

to carry everything alone.

Maybe asking,

“Can you sit with me for a moment?”

is not a burden.

Maybe saying,

“I’m not okay today,”

is not weakness.

Maybe I don’t need

to explain every broken piece

before someone is allowed

to care.

So if you ask me again,

“How’s life going?”

Maybe one day

I will stop saying “I’m fine.”

Maybe I will say,

“I’m struggling,

but I’m still here.

And if you have the space,

I would like someone to talk to.”

how many Carrats i am? fourteen june

"How Many Carats Am I?"

I know I am not the easiest stone to hold,

I have edges that cut,

corners that are not perfectly shaped,

and cracks I try to hide from the world.

I feel too much,

I speak too fast when my heart is heavy,

my anger sometimes arrives before my understanding,

and my words become storms

when all I wanted was to be heard.

I know loving me is not always a gentle journey.

Sometimes I become the fire

that burns the hands trying to protect me.

Sometimes my fears become walls

between the person I love and me.

But I am learning that a diamond

is not valuable because it has no flaws.

It is precious because it survives pressure,

because it is shaped through the hardest moments.

So I wonder…

If I am a diamond in your eyes,

after seeing my darkest sides,

after witnessing my emotions,

my mistakes, my battles with myself…

How many carats would I be worth to you?

Would you see only the scratches on my surface,

or the strength it took for me to remain shining?

Would you hold me like something rare,

or leave me like something too difficult to polish?

I do not ask to be loved as a perfect gem.

I only hope that when you see my imperfections,

you still remember the beauty

of the diamond you chose to keep....

maybe should not trust on Love

if my existence makes your life miserable,

then i will dissappear,

to make you peace again once you had before.

those nights were bad..maybe.

I remembered the nights

where my voice turned into storms,

calling your name

like it could pull you back to me.

The walls heard everything

the shaking in my chest,

the prayers that broke apart

before they even reached the sky.

I blamed myself

for every silence,

every wound,

every goodbye that lived between us.

I wondered if love alone

was not enough to make someone stay.

There were days

I could not leave my bed,

where the ceiling became the only witness

to how hard a heart can grieve.

No water touched my lips.

No food could stay.

Only tearss

endless tears

until exhaustion forced my eyes shut.

And when morning came,

the pain woke up before I did.

I screamed quietly after that,

the kind of scream

that never leaves the mouth,

only echoes inside the ribs.

I prayed to God

with trembling hands,

asking Him

why losing someone

could feel like losing myself too.

But somewhere between those nights,

between the broken prayers

and the aching loneliness,

I survived another sunrise.

Not because I was strong,

but because hearts, somehow,

keep beating

even after they shatter.

And maybe one day

I will remember those nights

without drowning in them.

Maybe one day

my name will stop sounding guilty

inside my own head.

Maybe one day

the girl who cried herself to sleep

will finally rest

without blaming herself

for being human.

the voices echoes..

Healthy relationships are not about never arguing. They are about whether both people can return to respect after emotions settle.

And it is okay if the raised voice still hurt you. Being understanding does not mean pretending it did not affect your heart.

Sometimes anger comes out badly when someone feels unheard, hurt, stressed, or emotionally flooded. That explains behavior, but it should not become an excuse to repeat harmful patterns.

lalala ~

Usually, when someone says

“I lied because I didn’t want it to become an issue,”

it often means they were trying to avoid conflict, discomfort, guilt, or a difficult conversation. That explains why they lied, but it does not automatically make the lie harmless. A relationship can survive mistakes, but trust changes when honesty changes.

But if lying becomes the “solution” every time conflict appears, then the relationship slowly becomes built on managing reactions instead of understanding each other.

Also, it’s important to look at both sides gently:

..Some people lie because they are manipulative.

..Some people lie because they are scared of disappointing someone.

..Some people lie because every discussion turns into a fight, so they avoid truth to keep peace.

None of those make lying “good,” but the reason matters when deciding whether trust can heal.

--- waitt blog... ermm... if a person started to lied at first place and *dare* means the person doesn't value the partner at all. huuu

which one important? trust or compulsory sugarcoat?

Dear me,

I know your heart is tired from trying to understand whether love can still feel safe after honesty was broken. You keep replaying every conversation, every reaction, every moment where you wondered if you were “too much,” too emotional, too sensitive, too difficult to love.

But wanting honesty does not make you difficult.

You were not asking for perfection.

You were asking to feel included in the truth.

And yes, maybe there were moments where your emotions became heavy, where hurt turned into frustration, where fear made your voice sharper than you intended. But pain does not erase your sincerity. Loving deeply is not the same as being impossible to love.

Please stop carrying all the blame alone.

A relationship is not built by one person’s patience only. It is built by two people choosing honesty even when the conversation feels uncomfortable. If someone hides the truth to avoid conflict, it does not automatically mean you are unworthy of honesty. It means the relationship had wounds in communication that both people were struggling to handle.

You do not need to become emotionless to deserve love.

You do not need to shrink your feelings just to make someone stay.

The right kind of love will not make you feel like asking for reassurance is a crime. It will not make you question whether your pain is “too much” every time you express it. Healthy love still has misunderstandings, fears, and arguments — but it also has effort, accountability, softness, and truth.

And if trust feels different now, that is normal. Hearts do not return to safety overnight after disappointment. Healing takes time. Not because you are weak, but because your feelings were real.

So please be gentle with yourself.

You are still learning.

Still growing.

Still deserving of honesty.

Still deserving of peace.

And one day, you will no longer beg for clarity from people who only give confusion. You will stop trying to translate mixed signals into love. You will realize that real care should not leave you constantly questioning your worth.

Until then, breathe slowly through this ache.

You are not hard to love for wanting truth.

You are not toxic for feeling hurt.

And you are not broken just because your heart still hopes for sincerity.

Love,

myself..

is it wrong to expecting some good things??

Sometimes when I said

“maybe we should end this,”

what I truly meant was

“please fight for us.”

Please hold my breaking heart

before it convinces itself

that leaving is easier

than feeling unwanted.

I did not say it

because I stopped loving you.

I said it after carrying

too many quiet hurts

for too long.

I thought maybe,

just maybe,

you would stop me.

Tell me not to go.

Remind me that love

was still here beneath the damage.

But you agreed so quickly

that it felt like...

you had been standing at the exit

long before I opened the door.

And now somehow

the story paints me

as the reason everything collapsed.

As if my breaking point

appeared out of nowhere.

As if exhausted hearts

simply wake up one day

and choose goodbye.

You point at my final reaction

without remembering

all the moments

that slowly pushed me there.

And maybe that is

the cruelest part...

not losing you,

but realizing

how easily my pain

became evidence against me

instead of proof

that I was hurting too.

open the door : transparency.

Some people think love survives

through grand gestures,

through staying,

through never raising their voice.

But sometimes love survives

through honesty.

Through the trembling sentence of

“this hurt me.”

Through the courage of

“I don’t know how to explain this properly yet,

but I don’t want to hide it from you.”

Transparency is not perfection.

It is choosing not to let silence

grow mold in the corners of a relationship.

Because unspoken feelings

do not disappear.

They wait.

They collect.

They become storms

inside people who kept saying

“it’s okay”

when it wasn’t.

And maybe love was never meant

to be mind-reading.

Maybe it was always meant

to be two people

gently opening locked doors

for each other,

again and again,

even when their hands shake.

:: A relationship usually struggles more from unspoken resentment than from difficult but honest conversations...

am i a bad girl partner???

It does not mean you are a “bad” partner.

Usually, patience becomes shorter when 

emotions have been building up for a long time underneath. Especially when someone feels: unheard, uncertain, emotionally unsafe,

dismissed, orr constantly waiting for reassurance and clarity.

A lot of people think patience is just personality, but often it is connected to emotional exhaustion. If you keep trying to communicate calmly while feeling confused or hurt inside, eventually your reactions become stronger because your heart is already carrying too much.

And being a girl does not mean you must always be endlessly patient, soft, or emotionally composed. You are still human. You can love deeply and still reach your emotional limit.

im sorry couldn't love you the way you wanted all the time ....

we done because of what??

Sometimes the painful part is when someone says “everything is fine” over and over, but later brings out hidden frustrations during an argument. That can make you feel blindsided, confused, and exhausted because you were trying to work things out with honesty while carrying worries alone.

And when hurt keeps building without clear conversations, patience eventually breaks. Reaching your limit does not erase the care you gave.

my Love was never the problem.

Dear me,

My love was never something shameful.

I loved with softness. I asked questions because I cared, not because I wanted control. I searched for reassurance because I wanted safety, honesty, and closeness. not because I wanted perfection.

I need to stop punishing myself for wanting communication.

I tried. I checked in gently. I asked if there was anything wrong. I opened the door for conversations many times. If someone keeps saying “nothing is wrong” while carrying hidden hurt inside, I cannot blame myself for not reading silence correctly.

I am not difficult for wanting clarity. I am not disrespectful for wanting reassurance. I am not weak for needing to feel valued.

Yes, maybe my emotions became heavy at times. Maybe the hurt made my reactions stronger than I wanted. But pain does that when someone feels unheard for too long.

I need to remember this:

A relationship should not make me beg to feel important.

Love is not supposed to feel like constantly proving my intentions while my own feelings are questioned. Love should allow two people to speak honestly before resentment grows into weapons during arguments.

I know I am tired.

Tired of replaying every moment. Tired of wondering whether I asked for “too much.” Tired of carrying guilt for simply wanting emotional safety.

But my heart was sincere.

And even if this relationship breaks, it does not mean I failed at loving someone. It only means two people struggled to understand each other in the way they both needed.

I deserve conversations that happen before things explode.

I deserve reassurance that is given with care, not reluctance.

I deserve a love where softness is not treated like a burden.

For now, I will stop turning all the blame toward myself.

I loved genuinely.

And that matters.

..myself..

Feeling afraid does not cancel out genuine Love.

Dear me,

Please stop turning your fears into proof that you are difficult to love.

You ask too many questions inside your own head and then punish yourself for having them. You worry that needing reassurance means you are immature. You worry that overthinking means your love is not genuine enough.

But maybe your heart is simply trying to protect itself while loving honestly.

You are not wrong for wondering where you stand in someone’s life — especially when that person has loved and lost before you. You are not cruel for feeling nervous about becoming temporary. And you are not selfish for wanting to feel chosen, certain, and secure.

Loving someone with a past does not mean you must erase your own fears completely.

It only means learning how to separate fear from truth.

Maybe he truly loves you. Maybe your mind is tired from imagining endings before they happen. Maybe your heart is asking for gentleness, not judgment.

Please remember: trust is built slowly. Reassurance is not a crime. And asking yourself difficult questions does not make your love fake.

You do not have to become the “perfect understanding woman” to deserve love that feels safe.

A healthy relationship should allow space for honesty, softness, questions, and healing — for both people.

So be kinder to yourself.

You are learning how to love someone without abandoning yourself in the process. And that is not childish at all.

Love,

yourself♡

takecare of me like a flower, real flower

You ask yourself

if love is supposed to feel this heavy,

or if fear simply grew beside it.

You wonder

whether your hands are holding a future

or only gathering the broken pieces

someone else left behind.

And still..

you stay gentle.

Still,

you learn his sadness,

memorize his silence,

love him in places

someone once abandoned.

But darling,

do not forget this:

you were never born

to become a replacement

for another woman’s mistakes.

You are not a bandage.

Not a distraction.

Not a temporary warmth

for winter loneliness.

You are a person

with a heart soft enough to love

and brave enough to question it.

And maybe that is what a good woman truly is

someone who loves deeply

without disappearing inside it.

Dear me,

I know you are scared.

Scared that one day he might wake up missing the life he once had. Scared that you are loving someone who is still carrying ghosts from his past. Scared that your love might not be enough to make someone stay.

But listen carefully:

Love is not proven by how much pain you can survive for another person.

You do not have to become smaller, quieter, or endlessly understanding just to deserve certainty. A healthy love should not leave you constantly questioning whether you are temporary.

Maybe he truly loves you. Maybe he is trying his best after being hurt. But your feelings matter too. Your fears deserve kindness, not silence.

Do not punish yourself for overthinking when your heart is simply trying to protect itself. And if one day this love hurts you, it will not mean you were foolish for loving sincerely. Loving genuinely is never embarrassing. It is one of the bravest things a person can do.

Please remember: you are not hard to love. You are not “just another girl.” And you should never have to compete with memories from someone else’s past.

The right love will not make you beg for reassurance every night. Until then, keep choosing yourself too.

With softness,

you♡

letter for myself during silent battles

Dear Me,

I know you are tired.

Not the kind of tired sleep can fix, but the kind that sits heavily inside your chest every single day. The kind that comes from trying so hard and still feeling unseen.

You worked hard for your future. You studied, sacrificed, stayed hopeful, attended interviews, prepared answers, dressed professionally, smiled politely, and waited for calls that never came. Even rejection would have felt kinder than silence.

I know you are starting to question yourself.

You wonder if your efforts were meaningless. You compare your life to others and ask why things seem easier for them. You feel embarrassed for struggling when everyone else looks like they are moving forward.

But your worth was never meant to be measured by job offers.

Right now, life feels delayed, not destroyed. A delayed dream still remains a dream. Your degree was not a waste. Your experiences are not useless. The world is difficult nowadays, and many people are silently fighting the same battle you are.

Please do not hate yourself for being exhausted.

You are carrying pressure, fear, financial burdens, uncertainty, and disappointment all at once. Yet somehow, you still continue trying. That alone says something beautiful about you.

You deserve rest without guilt.

You deserve food even on difficult days.

You deserve kindness from yourself too.

One opportunity can change everything. One company. One phone call. One person seeing your value properly.

Until then, please stay with yourself gently.

You are not behind in life.

You are not useless.

You are someone trying very hard in a very difficult season.

And I am proud of you for surviving it.

Love,

Yourself

poems for my future self

The hardest part was never the interviews,

not the nervous hands,

not the practiced smiles,

not even the waiting.

It was waking up every morning

trying to convince myself

that I still mattered

after another silence.

I gave years to dreams,

late nights, assignments, sacrifices,

thinking one day

life would finally open its doors for me.

But now I sit here

counting unpaid bills,

counting rejected hopes,

counting how many times

I said “I’m okay”

when I wasn’t.

Sometimes I wonder

if I chose the wrong path,

if my degree became nothing more

than paper folded with disappointment.

And it hurts

watching people younger than me

already living the life

I begged God for quietly.

Still, somehow,

I continue searching.

Even tired.

Even heartbroken.

Even doubting myself.

Because a small part of me

still believes

my story cannot end

in this much sadness.

Maybe I am not failing.

Maybe I am simply standing

in the middle of a difficult chapter

that refuses to end quickly.

And maybe one day

I will look back at this version of me

the sleepless, overwhelmed, hurting me

and realize

she was stronger

than she ever knew.

is this a blessings or punishment?

I thought giving us another chance

was a blessing from above.

I didn’t know

it would come with sleepless nights,

unanswered feelings,

and tears I hide behind silence.

You are still in my heart,

but I no longer know

if I still exist in yours

the same way.

Because love should not feel this lonely.

And being loved

should not feel like begging

to matter.

is it costly a little?

i gave this love another chance

thinking maybe love meant patience,

maybe silence was just a phase,

maybe lonely hearts survive this way.

But no one told me

second chances can cost pieces of yourself.

No one told me

you could stay loyal

while still feeling abandoned.

I am still here,

still loving you softly,

still waiting in quiet rooms

filled with your absence.

And somehow,

the saddest part is not the distance

it is feeling invisible

to someone who once made me feel chosen.

dayss without you

Not hearing from you for days

feels like standing outside in the rain

waiting for a door that never opens.

I try to act strong,

to keep myself busy,

to pretend the silence does not hurt

but every night ends the same:

with me missing you more than before.

I wonder if love fades quietly,

or if it stays hidden

inside the spaces between our distance.

Do you still think of me

before you sleep?

Do you still reach for your phone

wanting to tell me about your day?

Do you still love me

with the same warmth

you once held me with?

Because I do.

Even now.

Even through the silence.

Even through the ache of missing you.

Lonely nights

Lonely nights have a different kind of silence

when your voice no longer reaches me.

The hours move slowly,

dragging your name across my mind

like a song I cannot stop replaying.

I miss you in the smallest moments

when my phone lights up and it is not you,

when the night gets too quiet,

when I have too much love left in me

with nowhere to place it.

I wonder if I still cross your mind

the way you cross mine at 2AM.

Do you still remember us softly?

Do you still smile at old memories,

or am I the only one holding them this tightly?

And sometimes I ask myself

if you still love me

the same way you did

on the first day we met

when everything about me

made your eyes stay a little longer.

Because I still carry that version of us.

Still carry your laughter in my chest.

Still carry hope,

even on nights that feel unbearably empty without you.

we took turns being the shelter

That night,

the rain spoke softly against the dark,

and the streets shimmered like they were holding secrets.

You were somewhere out there,

on a slow bus ride home,

no umbrella,

just the sound of rain keeping you company.

And I..

I couldn’t sit still knowing that.

So I went,

through the drizzle and dim streetlights,

not because you asked,

but because you didn’t have to.

You looked at me like I was unexpected warmth,

like kindness you didn’t prepare for.

But to me,

it was simple

of course I’d come.

Years passed, quietly,

like pages turning without noise.

Then one day,

the sky broke open again

and this time it was me

standing alone at a station,

watching the rain fall heavier than I remembered.

And there you were.

Umbrella in hand,

like a familiar answer

to a question I didn’t say out loud.

You didn’t have to come.

But you did.

And in that moment,

I realized—

we’ve been taking turns

being the shelter for each other.

Not just from rain,

but from all the quiet storms

we never speak of.

-friendships for almost 9-10years

only youuu

I miss you in the quiet parts of my day,

where nothing is happening

but I still think of you anyway.

I see you out with your friends,

and I try to be understanding, I really do.

I don’t want to hold you back from your world

I just quietly miss being part of it too.

Even when we’re not talking much,

my heart still chooses you

in the most natural way.

dot dot dot..

i wish you comeback to me in small ways.

You don’t have to come back all at once,

just a little at a time is enough.

A message, a thought, a reminder

that I’m still your person even in your busy days.

I miss you,

not loudly, not angrily

just in a soft way

that sits quietly in my chest

until you show up again.

Dear Letter to self.

I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately, about the version of us that once felt so effortless, so alive.

I miss those nights. The quiet midnights where the world slowed down, and it was just you and me on a call. I miss reading you poems, my voice soft and unsure, and you listening like every word mattered.

I miss how, without hesitation, you would grab your keys, drive for hours just to see me.. no second thoughts, no excuses.

We didn’t need anything grand. No fancy places, no perfect outfits. Just you showing up. Just us sitting in a car, eating late-night drive-thru food, talking about love like it was the only thing that existed. Back then, I never had to question where I stood with you. I never had to wonder if I was included in your day, in your thoughts, in your life.. I just knew...

And now… I don’t know anymore.

Now it feels like you can go through an entire day without me being part of it, while I’m here holding onto memories that still feel real to me. I find myself asking questions I never used to ask..

am I safe with you?

am I loved the right way?

or am I just holding onto something that no longer feels the same for you?

I’m not asking for grand gestures.

I’m not asking for perfection.

I’m just asking for presence... For effort. For the kind of love that doesn’t make me feel alone while I’m still in it.

Because I’m still here.. not out of habit, not out of pity, but because I chose you then… and I’m still choosing you now.

I just need to know if you’re choosing me too.

takecare amy yin...

old memories were meaningful

I miss the nights

that didn’t ask for anything grand

just your voice

finding mine

in the quiet of midnight.

I miss how love

used to feel urgent to you

how a poem

was enough reason

to turn the engine on

and drive through darkness

just to reach me.

No plans,

no perfect timing,

no “maybe tomorrow.”

Just you

showing up

like I mattered.

We were simple then

a parked car,

soft laughter,

greasy fingers from fast food,

and hearts so full

we thought

we had all the time in the world.

You used to look at me

like I was home.

Now,

I sit in the same silence

but it feels different

heavier,

colder.

You move through your days

without touching mine,

while I stay

somewhere between memory

and hope.

And I wonder

when did love

stop reaching for me?

When did I become

someone you could go a whole day without?

I don’t need the long drives anymore,

I don’t need the midnight rush

I just need to feel

that I still exist

in your world

the way you still exist

in mine.

Because I’m still here,

holding onto us

like it hasn’t already slipped away.

And maybe that’s what scares me most

not that we changed,

but that I’m the only one

who still feels it.

a Quiet truth...

I’ve taken some time to sit with my thoughts before writing this, because I want to express myself clearly and with respect, for both of us.

Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern where I’m usually the one reaching out first. I don’t say that to keep score, but over time it’s made me feel a bit uncertain about where I stand.

I don’t need constant attention or big gestures. What matters to me are the small, consistent things.. like being thought of, being checked in on, or simply feeling present in your day. Those moments help me feel connected and secure.

I’ve also held back from saying this earlier because I didn’t want it to come across as pressure or create unnecessary tension. But staying quiet hasn’t made the feeling go away.. it’s just made it heavier.

I’m not here to question your intentions or to assume the worst. I just want to understand where we are, honestly and calmly. If things are still settling after everything we’ve been through, I can respect that. At the same time, I think it’s fair for me to want clarity and consistency.

I value what we have, and I’m still here because I care. But I also believe a relationship should feel mutual — not one-sided or uncertain.

So I’m sharing this not to argue, but to be real with you. I hope we can meet each other halfway, with understanding and effort from both sides...

this honesty is...

I’ve been thinking a lot, and I want to say this calmly, not to argue — but to be understood.

Lately, I feel like I’m always the one reaching out first. I’m always the one trying to close the distance between us, and sometimes it makes me wonder… if I stopped, would you come to me the same way?

I don’t want to assume things, but my mind keeps asking questions I don’t know how to answer on my own. Are you here because you truly want me, or just because it’s easier to stay? Do you still love me the same way, or has something changed since we got back together?

I’m not asking for big gestures. I’m just hoping for the small things that used to come naturally from you.. like a simple good morning baby girl, a good night my love, or even random moments where you remind me I matter to you (trust me when i said this : i don't remember when was the lastime i received those randoms sweet words from you. means its been stop or sngt jarang dah).. Those things mean more to me than you might realize.

Some days I feel important to you. But other days, I feel like I only exist when it’s convenient, and that feeling honestly hurts more than I can explain. I also want you to understand that when I stay quiet, it’s not because I don’t feel anything. It’s because I’m scared that expressing myself will turn into an argument, or that you’ll see me as “too much."

But keeping it in is starting to feel just as heavy. I’m not trying to blame you. I just want clarity and reassurance. I want to feel chosen, not uncertain. I want to know what I truly mean to you.. not just in certain moments, but consistently.

If there’s still something we’re both healing from, I understand that it takes time. But I think I need to know if we’re moving forward together, or if I’m the only one trying to hold on the same way. I care about you deeply. That’s why this matters so much to me.

I’m not asking for perfection, just honesty, effort, and to feel like I’m truly part of your life....

your pufferfish, or your wifey or your baby girl.. or.. more to. your ghost girl :')