we took turns being the shelter

That night,

the rain spoke softly against the dark,

and the streets shimmered like they were holding secrets.

You were somewhere out there,

on a slow bus ride home,

no umbrella,

just the sound of rain keeping you company.

And I..

I couldn’t sit still knowing that.

So I went,

through the drizzle and dim streetlights,

not because you asked,

but because you didn’t have to.

You looked at me like I was unexpected warmth,

like kindness you didn’t prepare for.

But to me,

it was simple

of course I’d come.

Years passed, quietly,

like pages turning without noise.

Then one day,

the sky broke open again

and this time it was me

standing alone at a station,

watching the rain fall heavier than I remembered.

And there you were.

Umbrella in hand,

like a familiar answer

to a question I didn’t say out loud.

You didn’t have to come.

But you did.

And in that moment,

I realized—

we’ve been taking turns

being the shelter for each other.

Not just from rain,

but from all the quiet storms

we never speak of.

-friendships for almost 9-10years

only youuu

I miss you in the quiet parts of my day,

where nothing is happening

but I still think of you anyway.

I see you out with your friends,

and I try to be understanding, I really do.

I don’t want to hold you back from your world

I just quietly miss being part of it too.

Even when we’re not talking much,

my heart still chooses you

in the most natural way.

dot dot dot..

i wish you comeback to me in small ways.

You don’t have to come back all at once,

just a little at a time is enough.

A message, a thought, a reminder

that I’m still your person even in your busy days.

I miss you,

not loudly, not angrily

just in a soft way

that sits quietly in my chest

until you show up again.

Dear Letter to self.

I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately, about the version of us that once felt so effortless, so alive.

I miss those nights. The quiet midnights where the world slowed down, and it was just you and me on a call. I miss reading you poems, my voice soft and unsure, and you listening like every word mattered.

I miss how, without hesitation, you would grab your keys, drive for hours just to see me.. no second thoughts, no excuses.

We didn’t need anything grand. No fancy places, no perfect outfits. Just you showing up. Just us sitting in a car, eating late-night drive-thru food, talking about love like it was the only thing that existed. Back then, I never had to question where I stood with you. I never had to wonder if I was included in your day, in your thoughts, in your life.. I just knew...

And now… I don’t know anymore.

Now it feels like you can go through an entire day without me being part of it, while I’m here holding onto memories that still feel real to me. I find myself asking questions I never used to ask..

am I safe with you?

am I loved the right way?

or am I just holding onto something that no longer feels the same for you?

I’m not asking for grand gestures.

I’m not asking for perfection.

I’m just asking for presence... For effort. For the kind of love that doesn’t make me feel alone while I’m still in it.

Because I’m still here.. not out of habit, not out of pity, but because I chose you then… and I’m still choosing you now.

I just need to know if you’re choosing me too.

takecare amy yin...

old memories were meaningful

I miss the nights

that didn’t ask for anything grand

just your voice

finding mine

in the quiet of midnight.

I miss how love

used to feel urgent to you

how a poem

was enough reason

to turn the engine on

and drive through darkness

just to reach me.

No plans,

no perfect timing,

no “maybe tomorrow.”

Just you

showing up

like I mattered.

We were simple then

a parked car,

soft laughter,

greasy fingers from fast food,

and hearts so full

we thought

we had all the time in the world.

You used to look at me

like I was home.

Now,

I sit in the same silence

but it feels different

heavier,

colder.

You move through your days

without touching mine,

while I stay

somewhere between memory

and hope.

And I wonder

when did love

stop reaching for me?

When did I become

someone you could go a whole day without?

I don’t need the long drives anymore,

I don’t need the midnight rush

I just need to feel

that I still exist

in your world

the way you still exist

in mine.

Because I’m still here,

holding onto us

like it hasn’t already slipped away.

And maybe that’s what scares me most

not that we changed,

but that I’m the only one

who still feels it.

a Quiet truth...

I’ve taken some time to sit with my thoughts before writing this, because I want to express myself clearly and with respect, for both of us.

Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern where I’m usually the one reaching out first. I don’t say that to keep score, but over time it’s made me feel a bit uncertain about where I stand.

I don’t need constant attention or big gestures. What matters to me are the small, consistent things.. like being thought of, being checked in on, or simply feeling present in your day. Those moments help me feel connected and secure.

I’ve also held back from saying this earlier because I didn’t want it to come across as pressure or create unnecessary tension. But staying quiet hasn’t made the feeling go away.. it’s just made it heavier.

I’m not here to question your intentions or to assume the worst. I just want to understand where we are, honestly and calmly. If things are still settling after everything we’ve been through, I can respect that. At the same time, I think it’s fair for me to want clarity and consistency.

I value what we have, and I’m still here because I care. But I also believe a relationship should feel mutual — not one-sided or uncertain.

So I’m sharing this not to argue, but to be real with you. I hope we can meet each other halfway, with understanding and effort from both sides...

this honesty is...

I’ve been thinking a lot, and I want to say this calmly, not to argue — but to be understood.

Lately, I feel like I’m always the one reaching out first. I’m always the one trying to close the distance between us, and sometimes it makes me wonder… if I stopped, would you come to me the same way?

I don’t want to assume things, but my mind keeps asking questions I don’t know how to answer on my own. Are you here because you truly want me, or just because it’s easier to stay? Do you still love me the same way, or has something changed since we got back together?

I’m not asking for big gestures. I’m just hoping for the small things that used to come naturally from you.. like a simple good morning baby girl, a good night my love, or even random moments where you remind me I matter to you (trust me when i said this : i don't remember when was the lastime i received those randoms sweet words from you. means its been stop or sngt jarang dah).. Those things mean more to me than you might realize.

Some days I feel important to you. But other days, I feel like I only exist when it’s convenient, and that feeling honestly hurts more than I can explain. I also want you to understand that when I stay quiet, it’s not because I don’t feel anything. It’s because I’m scared that expressing myself will turn into an argument, or that you’ll see me as “too much."

But keeping it in is starting to feel just as heavy. I’m not trying to blame you. I just want clarity and reassurance. I want to feel chosen, not uncertain. I want to know what I truly mean to you.. not just in certain moments, but consistently.

If there’s still something we’re both healing from, I understand that it takes time. But I think I need to know if we’re moving forward together, or if I’m the only one trying to hold on the same way. I care about you deeply. That’s why this matters so much to me.

I’m not asking for perfection, just honesty, effort, and to feel like I’m truly part of your life....

your pufferfish, or your wifey or your baby girl.. or.. more to. your ghost girl :')

our love change shape??

You used to say my name

like it meant something sacred.

now it feels like

I have to remind you

I’m still here.

I’m not asking

for grand gestures

just the small things

you used to give freely

before love became

something quieter

on your side.

dot....

I don’t need poetry

in every message

just a

good morning,

just a

good night,

just a

random moment

where I cross your mind

without asking to.

but most days,

I wake up

before your thoughts

find me :'(

dot...

Some days

I feel like I matter

like I still live

somewhere soft

in your heart.

and some days

I feel like a pause

in your routine,

something you return to

only when it’s convenient.

I don’t know

which one is real....

what am i to you actually....

Tell me honestly

am I your person,

or just a presence?

something you love,

or something you’re used to?

because I’ve given you

all of me

in ways that don’t show

and I don’t know

if that means anything

to you at all..

questions i can't ask you

Do you stay

because you love me

or because leaving

would feel heavier?

am I chosen,

or just…

not let go?

I keep holding these questions

like fragile glass,

afraid if I hand them to you

they’ll shatter

into something we can’t fix...

maybe its me (but maybe its not)

Maybe I expect too much

or maybe

I just remember

what it felt like

to be loved

without questioning it.

and now that it’s different,

I’m left wondering

did you change,

did we break,

or am I the only one

still trying

to love the same way???

my free time

It’s strange

how a whole day

can feel empty

not because

nothing happened,

but because

you weren’t in it.

and I keep checking

not for messages,

but for proof

that I still cross your mind

the way you cross mine.

-maybe it was never did, because since when you do this to me before? sleeping whole day without awake from dreams. are you prefer living in sweet dreams than in reality?? am i just an unhappy reality for you? 

and i almost say it.. whatt??

I almost told you today

how the quiet

wraps too tightly

around my chest,

how I reach for you

in moments

you don’t even know exist.

but I stopped,

right at the edge of honesty,

because I don’t want

to sound like a problem

you have to solve.

why i keep on wanting to reach out you first nowdays since we're get back together? 

I don’t ask for much

at least, I try not to.

I don’t say

“stay,”

or “talk to me longer,”

or “don’t disappear.”

I just hope

you’ll choose to.

and sometimes

that hope

feels heavier

than asking ever would...

when you awake, come find me

you are still

my favorite notification

even when silence stretches

between us like a quiet road

I don’t know how to cross.

you are still

my favorite person

the only place

my tired heart recognizes

as home.

I know you’re exhausted,

I see it in the way

you disappear into sleep,

like the world has taken too much

from you in one day.

and I don’t blame you.

but in the quiet you leave behind,

I find myself reaching

for something that used to be

so easy—

us.

I miss the way we filled

each other’s spaces,

how your presence

felt like warmth

instead of distance.

now it’s not that you’ve changed—

it’s just that

I feel you less,

and I don’t know

where to place this loneliness.

maybe it’s not sadness,

not even hurt

just a soft ache

of missing you

while you’re still mine.

so rest, love,

rest as much as you need

but when you wake,

come back to me

even just a little.

because I’m still here,

holding onto us,

loving you

in all the quiet ways

you cannot see.

my only best friend-AA

You’re not in competition

with anyone in my life

because you stand

in a place

no one else can reach.

Even if a thousand faces pass me by,

my eyes will still find you.

And if you ever question my loyalty,

remember

there’s a reason I’m here,

a reason it’s you

I chose to stay with, Aiman Afif♡

don't leave me in Silence

If we fight again someday,

and words get heavy between us

don’t disappear.

You don’t have to understand me

right away,

you don’t have to fix everything

just don’t leave me

in that quiet

that feels like losing you.

Stay, even if it’s messy.

Stay, even if we’re both unsure.

Because what hurts the most

is not the argument—

it’s feeling like

I’m facing it alone.

........

I’m not asking you

to always get it right.

I’m not asking you

to always understand me.

I’m only asking this

when things break a little between us,

don’t leave me

to hold all the pieces alone.

Be there,

even if your hands don’t know

what to do yet.

Because your presence

means more to me

than perfect words ever could.

short letter to myself

hey baby girl,

I know you’re trying to act like everything is fine — but it’s not fully fine, and that’s okay.

You were hurt. Being ignored, not having your calls answered, crying alone… that mattered. It doesn’t just disappear because the next day was better or because he said sorry when you asked. You needed comfort in that moment, not just a patch after.

You’re not “too sensitive” for still feeling off. You’re someone who needed reassurance, and didn’t fully get it.

And about the hiking, you didn’t say no because you don’t care. You said no because you don’t feel safe yet, not with him fully, and definitely not around people you’re not comfortable with. That’s not wrong. That’s you protecting yourself. Something has changed. You feel it. Don’t ignore that feeling just to keep the peace.

You don’t have to decide everything right now.

But you do owe yourself honesty:

You want to feel chosen.

You want to feel understood.

You want more than “okay” apologies.

And you deserve that.

Take your time.

You’re allowed to feel this way.

- Me -

Not ready for them

You said “hiking,”

and for a second

my heart ran ahead—

just us,

just quiet,

just something simple again.

Then you added “friends,”

and suddenly

I felt small,

like I had to perform

in a room

I don’t feel safe in.

You said “okay”

when I stepped back,

but it felt like

you didn’t really see

why I had to.

It’s not the hiking.

It’s not them.

It’s me

trying to find my footing again

in something

that still feels unsteady....

After the Quiet

You left me in a night

that had no answers,

only ringing calls

and a screen that stayed cold.

I cried into hours

that did not move,

waiting for a version of you

that would turn back

but didn’t.

Morning came

with your voice again,

like nothing had broken,

like silence

hadn’t carved something in me.

We went away,

shared air, shared time,

but something stayed behind

that girl from the night

still sitting on the floor,

still holding her phone.

And now I’m home,

and I don’t know

how to feel whole again

when a piece of me

was never picked up.

i also almost....

I smiled,

but it didn’t reach the place

you once knew how to find.

You held me,

but not the part

that stayed hurting.

You said sorry

soft, brief,

like closing a door

without checking

what was left outside.

And I said okay,

because I didn’t know

how to ask for more

without sounding like

too much.

So here I am—

almost okay,

almost happy,

almost like before.

But “almost”

is a lonely place to live.

nowhere feels like home

I don’t feel safe anywhere.

Not in the house I grew up in,

where silence stays longer

than comfort ever did.

Not with the people

who are supposed to be family,

but feel like strangers

I learned how to live around.

My mother isn’t there

when my heart needs her the most,

and my world split in half

when they chose separate lives.

My friends—

they have their own worlds,

their own lives,

and I can’t blame them

for not noticing mine falling apart.

I don’t even have something small,

like a warm presence beside me,

to remind me I’m not alone.

So I held onto you.

Not because I’m weak

but because you felt

like the only place

I could finally rest.

And now…

even you feel distant.

And I don’t know

where I’m supposed to go

when the one place

I called “safe”

doesn’t feel like home anymore.

strong everywhere but here

I can stand my ground

in a room full of strangers.

Handle voices,

pressure,

attitudes— ..

like it’s nothing.

I’ve learned how to fight,

how to defend,

how to never back down.

But when it comes to you

I forget everything I know.

My strength disappears

in the one place

I thought I’d feel safe.

And suddenly,

the girl who can face anything

becomes someone

who doesn’t know

how to protect her own heart.

dot...

At work,

I wear armor.

In life,

I stand tall.

In battle,

I know exactly what to do.

But with you—

I came unarmed.

No walls.

No guard.

No protection.

And maybe that’s why it hurts so much,

because the strongest version of me

chose to be soft

only for you.

uneven Love

Why do I love you too much

and you don’t feel the same?

I gave you my whole heart

like it was safe in your hands,

but you held it

like it was optional.

I thought love grew equally

in both directions—..

but mine expanded

while yours stayed still.

And now I’m left

overflowing

into someone

who isn’t filling me back.

err.

I knew I was giving more.

I felt it every time

I waited longer,

cared deeper,

hurt quieter.

But still ilovedyou

because my heart

didn’t know how to love halfway.

And maybe that’s where I lost myself

not in loving you,

but in not being loved

the same way back.

the kind of hurt that lingers

I think what breaks me the most

is knowing

everything was fine

until I spoke.

Until I trusted you

with the parts of me

I usually hide.

If I had just stayed quiet,

kept it all inside,

maybe you’d still be here....

still talking to me

like I mattered.

So now I sit with this thought:

maybe my honesty

is what ruined us :'(

dear.... my love..

Do you know how hard it is

to open your heart

and then wish you never did?

To replay every word,

every sentence,

wondering

which one made you stop caring?

You didn’t just misunderstand me

you made me feel like

my feelings were a mistake.

And now I’m left

holding everything

I should’ve kept to myself.

my love..

I was okay

when I was easy,

when I smiled,

when I didn’t need anything.

But the moment

I became real

with fears,

with feelings,

with questions

I became too much.

Too heavy.

Too tiring.

Too inconvenient

for someone

who once said

they loved me....

...

The saddest part is—

I would’ve stayed.

Through the misunderstandings,

through the timing,

through the silence…

I would’ve stayed

if you just tried.

If you just said,

“Hey, I don’t get it,

but I’m here.”

But you didn’t.

You chose distance

over understanding,

silence over effort,

and now I’m here

learning how to leave

someone

I never wanted to lose.. iloveyou too much aiman.

the kingdom of Loyalty

I wasn’t questioning your loyalty,

I was questioning my place.

Not you...

but whether I was still

safe in your heart.

Somewhere between my words

and your understanding,

everything got lost.

And now I’m here

trying to explain something

that was never meant

to hurt you.

and again dear letter, and hii my love.

When you said I was questioning your loyalty, that honestly caught me off guard because that was never what I meant. It never even crossed my mind to doubt you like that. I wasn’t accusing you of anything—I was just trying to express how I feel and be honest about my insecurities.

I think somewhere along the way, what I was trying to say got misunderstood, and I’m not sure how to explain it better without it sounding wrong to you.

But I need you to understand this clearly, I wasn’t attacking you or your loyalty. I was just opening up, and I hoped you would try to understand me instead of assuming the worst.

I wasn’t accusing you,

I was unraveling myself

in front of you.

Every word I said

came from a place

that needed comfort,

not defense.

But you stood there

like I was pointing fingers,

when all I ever did

was open my hands.

And somehow,

my honesty became

something you had to fight...

ehem. dot dot..

Somewhere between

what I felt

and what you heard,

we broke.

I said, “I’m hurting,”

you heard, “You did something wrong.”

I said, “I need reassurance,”

you heard, “I don’t trust you.”

And no matter how I tried

to explain it again,

your mind was already made. (its getting painful enough, thats why i make calls on you. but you ignore me that easily)

I’m tired

of explaining feelings

that were never meant

to hurt you.

Tired of reshaping my words

so you won’t misunderstand them,

only to still end up

being wrong in your eyes.

At some point,

it stops being miscommunication

and starts feeling like

you just don’t want to understand.

hard to swallow the pill

dear letter,

I keep thinking about everything, and honestly, it hurts more than I expected. At one point, you made me feel loved and chosen. And now, the silence, the way you avoid answering me, and how easily you pushed me away—it’s confusing and painful.

Sometimes I even feel like if loving me was a lie, I’d rather believe that version right now, because at least it felt real and it didn’t hurt like this. But I know I can’t stay in something unclear. I deserve honesty, effort, and to feel like I matter too.

If you don’t want this anymore, just be real with me. I’d rather be hurt by the truth than kept in this silence. and ohh btw, imissyouu.

ermm..

If loving me was a lie,

then maybe

I would rather stay in it a little longer.

Because the lie

was gentle—

it held me,

it felt like home.

And the truth?

The truth is sharp.

It sounds like silence,

like cancelled plans,

like unanswered questions

that echo louder than words.

If it was all pretend,

then at least in that moment,

I was chosen.

And right now

that memory of a lie

hurts less

than the reality

of being unsure

if I ever was...

so. ermm..

If loving me was a lie,

then maybe I prefer the lie.

Because at least in that version,

you chose me—..

without hesitation,

without silence,

without making me feel

like I was too much.

The truth you’re giving me now

hurts more

than any lie ever could :'(

my letter were never mean to u.

I kept thinking

maybe if I said it softer,

you would finally hear me.

Maybe if I waited longer,

chose a better time,

needed a little less—

you would stay.

But love shouldn’t feel

like waiting for permission

to be felt.

I was there,

trying,

speaking,

holding on—

and you were there,

turning away

like my heart

was an inconvenience.

So this is me,

finally understanding:::

It wasn’t the timing.

It wasn’t the way I said it.

It was that

you didn’t want to listen.

And I deserve someone

who does.

-even that someone, im really hoping and wishing it was you. bcoz im still inlove with you. i already attached with you..

so.. dear letter. forgive me for writing this sadness story at time like this where this time supposed to be my bed time now. but i just can't.. im too much hurted now. and my pillow is full pool of water of tears that i cant even stay calm anymore.. i just almost lost faith in human especially guys. doesn't matter family, partners, friends, or even male -cats... keep hurting me like i was the worst in their lifetime ever...

"I didn’t bring things up to start a problem. I spoke because I care about us and I wanted to be honest about how I feel.

But the way you responded really hurt me. Saying you were too busy, cancelling our plans, not answering my calls, and then telling me you’re “lazy to talk” after I opened up—it made me feel like I don’t matter to you.

When I asked if you still want this relationship, I wasn’t trying to question you. I just needed clarity and reassurance. Turning it back on me instead of answering made it even more confusing and painful.

I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect effort, respect, and communication. Right now, I’m not feeling that from you.

So I’m going to step back because you wanted me to, If you truly want this, it shouldn’t feel this hard to show it...right.

my heartbeat stop beating. almost.

You said I chose the wrong time,

but when is the right time

to say, “I’m hurting”?

Between your games?

Between your silence?

Between the moments

you don’t choose me?

I waited, you know.

I always wait.

But even when I spoke softly,

you still heard it as noise—

like my feelings were interruptions

instead of something that mattered..

dot dot..

You were busy,

and maybe that’s true—

but it hurt more

that I was easy to ignore.

A game could pause,

a call could be answered,

a plan could be kept…

but somehow,

I was the one

that got cancelled.

And I sat there wondering

how someone I love

can make me feel

so optional :'(

dot. dot..

You said you were too lazy

to talk to me—

after I gave you

all the honesty I had.

Do you know how heavy that feels?

To open your heart

and be met with…

nothing.

Not anger.

Not comfort.

Just absence.

Like I wasn’t even worth

the effort of a reply...

dot dot..

I asked you one simple thing:

“Do you still want us?”

And you turned it back on me,

like my heart

was a question I should answer alone.

But love isn’t supposed to feel

like guessing,

like begging for clarity

from someone who already knows.

Your silence said enough

even if you never did.. huh.

dott..

Maybe I wasn’t too much.

Maybe I just gave my feelings

to someone

who didn’t know how to hold them.

Because the right person

wouldn’t call it “problems”

when I speak from pain.

They would listen—

even if the timing wasn’t perfect,

even if the words were messy.

They wouldn’t make me feel

like loving them

was a burden.

star is not shining

You said I create problems,

but all I did was speak

what was already hurting inside me.

If silence is what you wanted,

then maybe you never wanted me—

just a quieter version

of someone who doesn’t feel too much.

I was trying to move forward,

but I needed your hand to hold,

not your words pushing me back

to where I was trying to escape.

And now you’re done with me,

as if loving you carefully

was something wrong.

dot dot..

I came to you with honesty,

not accusations—

but you heard noise instead of pain.

You told me I live in the past,

but you never asked

what the past did to me.

I wasn’t trying to fight you,

I was trying to trust you—

and maybe that’s what scared you.

Because loving me means

seeing the parts of me

that are still healing.

And instead of staying,

you chose to leave

like I was the problem

you didn’t want to solve.

dot dot dot..

I wasn’t trying to start a storm,

I was just asking if I was still safe

in your arms.

The past still echoes sometimes,

not because I live there—

but because I’m scared

it might repeat itself here.

I didn’t need you to fix it,

just to understand

why my voice trembles

when I say, “Do you still choose me?”

But you saw it as problems,

like I was breaking something

when all I wanted..

was to protect us from breaking.

ehem...

I spoke because I cared,

not because I wanted to fight.

But you called it a problem

and walked out of my life.

Maybe I am still healing—

but I was trying with you.

It hurts that my honesty

was the reason I lost you.. 

</3

jujur x honesty

no regrets on what i did out of Love. i just won't do it again.

well, maybe because i don't want the *truth.

maybe i just want the version that hurt less :')

Pufferfish & Shark

the pufferfish feels everything,

small heart, big waves inside,

she puffs when she's hurting,

not to push away - just to hide.

the shark quiet and deep,

strong, steady, hard to read,

he swims away when storms rise,

protecting himself from what he feels beneath.

two different ways of loving,

two different ways of pain,

one reacts in the moment,

one dissappear in the rain.

but maybe the ocean knew,

they were never meant to fight,

just to learn each other's currents,

and meet somewhere in the tide🌊

from your pufferfish... i may still be learning, but my heart has been always yours A..

p/s : " you didn't start fighting because the love is gone. you started fighting because the Love became real enough to test both of you."

do cat even settle down?

there was a time when i was ready to settle.

ermm... but now,

i can't even picture myself as someone's girlfriend anymore. i used to dream about building a life with someone, about growing together, about giving everything i had and being with the through good and bad.

but I've been hurt too manytimes, and my trust has been broken. i dont have the same patience or hope i once had. i see Love differently now. i know it takes a lot of time, efforts and care and sometimes i feel like i dont have that much left to give. i don't want to lose myself again just to make someone else happy. maybe someday I'll believe in Love again.. but right now, im learning to be fine on my own. im learning to enjoy being alone and to build a life that feels good for me even without someone besides me...

not just forever...

you say im the Love you’ve been looking for,

the one you'd choose for a lifetime,

and every time you say those words,

they echo softly in mine.

not because I doubt your heart,

but because it feel real and near,

like a promise wrapped in warmth,

every time you hold me here.

and I may not always find the words,

as boldly as you do,

but in my quiet, steady way,

im appreciating you.

for the Love you give so freely,

for the future that you see,

and for choosing me as yours,

as im learning to choose you, just as deeply♡

always be each other valentines

i understand the moment you snapp out. you shouted. you frustrated. you feel left out alone. you screaming out of anger. emotional unstable... cried and still high anxiety...

among all of that, i still love your flaws.

i still continue loving youu.

even in your state of mind crazy. not thinking straight and feeling hurted. im here.

im still here. continue stay loving you in your lowest and unstable mind. im here. im not going anywhere just bcoz youre like this. im still here continue loving you. your flaws i still keep it with me. i will learn abt youu. i will handle you. and i will takecare of youu..

wishing you could do the same thing to me..too..

no sweet perfume torture me more than this

so, my actions and words spilled like that easily because its naturally responding to the pain that my partner causes and triggered? but world see it as im toxic person? as i did not understand him? as i did not care? as i did not inlove?

im not sure what day today.. day 3? day 2? im also not sure. i cant even tracked days/time nowdays. I've been bz thinking what went wrong..

its raining heavily... went to mall to buy my fav drink Pokka to stay alive.. but all i see were just a shadow of him hunting me down. it makes me stopped for a moment. am i in reality or dreams? i even lost in a moment that i naturally grab 2 drinks. coz he loves drink a lot. wentt back to home.. im just taking my time walking to home while still thinking what else went wrong actually that night. my brain so painfully to re-think and trying to remember it... rain drops slowly showering me - as it was telling me *its ok, you can cry now.. i cover you.. no one will know......

maybe.. it was never easy..

maybe it was never easy to handle those such things.. and i wonder why....

oohhh.. its because thats the moment that kind of feelings.. prove its valid. those feelings were real.. valid.. and thats the moment will be never be easy. and its up to the couples. wanna go through it together or not. 

oke love. you scared? im scared too. 

ehh? but then again... i heard ppl asking me. whats wrong with my gaze that so soft whenever with him??

"i thought i saw Love in their eyes, but it was just mine reflecting back at me"...

well, me and him totally have different life before we together. we both reacted and thinking differently.. yett. we still choose each other. we still love each other. i know each of us have our own past, and its ok. be grateful for it.. coz we both no longer live there... so about my eyes on him.. its because my nervous systems finally rest for a moment. He gave me safely and i trust him. 

It will never be easy for this unexpected journey as long we both know that our feelings is real and will be always choose each other :)

confusions.

i didnt want to argue.

i just wanted you to care about the things that hurt me. but you made me feel like i was too much.

i wanted to feel heard without having to explain myself over and over.

i wanted you to notice the pain instead of dismissing it.

i wanted comfort, not defensiveness.

every time i spoke up, it felt like i was asking for something unreasonable, like my feelings were a burden. so i started holding back. i choose silence instead of honesty because it hurt less than being ignored.

i swallowed my words and told myself to be patient, to be understanding, to be smaller..

but. 

but love shouldn't make me feel like i have to stay quiet just to keep the peace.

i never wanted to argue, i was only asking for care, for efforts, for reassurance that what i felt mattered to you.

because when person you loves keeps making you feel like you're too much, you start believing that maybe you are the problem. and thats the part that hurts me the most..

ok blogs... how about you called her toxic now??

ermmmm. but you met her when she was kind, open and trusting. before the lies,  before the betrayal, before she had to protect herself from you.

she became guarded because you keep hurting her. she became reactive because you kept crossing lines.

she became tired because she kept choosing you while youuu choosing yourself.

that wasn't toxicity, that was damage.

and expecting her to stay soft after everything  you put her through is the realll denial. you didnt lose a good women. you changed her, then blamed her for the results.

the abyss

what's stopping us from just saying...

"im sorry i wasn't the best version of myself. i still love you. i just needed to grow up a little more. we both made mistakes and we both failed. but that doesn't mean we hve to let go forever. lets forgive each other and move forward. imissyou. iloveyou and im sorry"

..

tell me that im special, tell me that im pretty.

tell me that im a little angel, the sweetheart in your life..

say what im dying to hear. cause im dying to hear youuu.

tell me that you need me, tell me that you loved me.

tell me that im relevant,

tell me that i got a big heart and come back with evidence.

tell me that im worth it and im enough.

i need it and i dont know why

im dying to hear that from you.

this late at night, isn't lonely?

i'd do anything to make you want me

i give it all upp if you told me that i'd be the number one girl in your eyes.

tell me that you're claim me so proudly, not proudly stab me with your knives till im bleeding yet im still standing here painfully to let you knw that im here with you. still.

i feel my mind is slowly fading........

Semangat

You can cut your hair

you can dyed your hair

you can paint you nail

you can put on makeup

but in the end,

inside.. your heart still the same.

your heart cannot change.

your personality might chnge, but inside?

no matter what you do to yourself, the pain that you felt still remain. and I understand what it feels like tht way. 

and trust me, NObody want pain.

but, instead of thinking of giving up and chnging. how about think other of it?

remember, pain make us for who we are now, today. bcoz of the pain, we learn from the past and pain what we've been through.

are you happy?

that you still breath and walk forward for each day?

new year with Stars

my new year started with blessings that I have by my side till now. I was having a sleepless night, pain internal physically (will not mention in details), and burnout from overworked. 

somehow, im just grateful too much I have him by my side. i know everyone is not perfect but to me. he is perfect in fulfill my needs and wants whenever he cann provided. Im just being a baby most of time and he just keep on telling me he loves me still. and that hurts me inside. because Im scared abt myself is not good enough for him. i just wanna give my best for him. and be better for him. even I dnt feel it most of the time. kalaulah bolehhh, i just wanna pick stars and give him. so he can sell it. and buy whatever he wants. ahahaha. 

we're been through so much last year. I just hope i still have him by my side, create more memories and keep talking abt our life nonstops.

btw, im wondering if he ever feel scared if we stop making memories?

nahhh.. nothing. just saying.... ehee. iloveyouu so much husband A :3

lemonny.

yes, i finally meet my right person but the thing is. this time. im the one wrong person....

im sorry i hurt you, it hurts me too.

i can't undo what happened.

and im not here to pretend one mistakes didnt break everything. im not asking you to forget it. im just asking you to see that im genuinely trying to become better, perfect and iloveyou. my feelings were real and valid.

losing you feels like carrying a weight that i cant even put down.

every moment we shared still lives in me..

i, i dont wanna lose youu. im sorry didnt love you the way you deserve.. i just wanted to be your last. i cant letting you go just what i did back in sabah. its keep hunting me of my mistakes.... im sorry.

teach me silence?

so, being ignored and silence means... wanna teach me a lessons? are you sure? are you sure youre not grateful for me coming bck to you and still talking nonsense and fighting for you? ok....

if my silence existing makes you peace and freedom. then... i have to face it. and teach my heart. uts ok to be broken and painful now. someday.. when im healed again. do not come to destroy me like you doing now. 

just always remember that... i always love youu even at your worst. it was never my intentions for leaving you bcoz you're not enough. its just bcoz of me being me.. had to leave you. and idk myself why i still want you back again and again... 

youre right.. maybe... i treat you like a games. im sorry make you feel that way. it was never cross my mind to think that way. im hurt. im confuse. i need comfort. you gimme questions. i need reassurance and safety. you show more abt who started first argument. i need youu. the reall youuu. like the first guy meet me. i need him back. not the current. whatever i said and expressing. its an argument to him... it feels like im not inlove with the same guy anymore...... im just talking to a guy who hated too muchh to a girl who doesn't knw what she saying or doing. i can sense the anger. pissed off. unsatisfied and hater too much from him...

and thats not my A that im falling for in the first place :'(

idk who im talking to. 

its ok. i will be missing youu. always. and its ok... missing you is just part of my moving on... im sorry.. i didnt fulfill yours or ours dreams. even im still here existing... yett. all i get is unsatisfied and hater...

i deserve it. maybe. my fault. its my fault for meeting you again and falling inlove was never the plan in life. im very sorry dear self .. :(

how to make you feel.

i don't knw how to make you feel what i feel. This isn't "i wish you were here".

this isn't "i don't knw how to exist properly without you here".

this is an ache that doesn't  fade, it just becomes familiar :')

heyy lovee

my dear beloved husband,

i didn't want to argue.

i just wanted you to care about the things that hurt me. BUT you made me feel like i was too much.

i wanted to feel heard without having to explain myself over and over. i wanted you to notice the pain instead of dismissing it (just by giving a quick or or silent) you always do that to me. then the balance of the pain what im gonna do??

i wanted comfort not defensiveness. every time i spoke up. it felt like i was asking for something unreasonable. like my feelings were a burden.

so i started holding bck. 

i swallowed my words and told myself to be patient. to be understanding. to be SMALLER.

but.. love shouldn't make me feel like i hve to stay quiet just to keep peace.

i never wanted argue. i was only asking for care. for effort. for reassurance that what i felt mattered to youu. bcoz when the person you love keeps making you feel like im tooo much..? then started believing that maybe... maybe im the problem. and thats the part that hurts me the most.

so, heres my final goodbye.

ive finally accepted that we can't be together anymore. we never fully understood each other. and that truth hurts more than i expected. still....... thankyou for showing me what love feels like and what heartbreak feels like too. i hope my distance gives you peace and freedom. i really tried with all i had. Our plans didn't work but my feelings  were real.

im learning to live with the silence you left behind, one day at a time.

make devil cry

maybe...

maybe its my fault, i put you up so high

darling, i think you could make the Devil cry

and ive been waiting for the sunset

waiting for a sorry

but youre never sorry, are you?

No. you don't even care

how can you stand and watch while im breaking all my bones

trying to hold you close

cut my heart right, out of my body

tearing offf my skin, just to let you in

isn't it a bit of unethical??

a women can love deeply and still walk away. Love does not erase self-respect. when she finally choose herself. it is not bcoz she was weak or unfaithful. it is bcoz she grew tired of begging for basic kindness.

and this is the part many men learn tooo late. the women you treated carelessly will oneday be cherished by somekne who understands her value. she will be bloom where she is respected. such is.. life.

what abt boundaries?

I know Ive been with someone bs before, but you knw what? for the firstime... i let someone cross my boundaries..

i choose to give someone chance and that someone is my husband now. A.

just to keep you in life, I broke all my rules. and thats why I accept him at first place. coz i liked him a long time ago. been thinking abt him a lot lately wayyyy before meet him again in life. why?

why him? why?

because among all my friends back in land below the wind, he was approached me more than once. back then he was introverted. didnt put effort much of wanting me in his life. i tot he just joking around. so i jokingly rejected him too. 

but honestly, something abt him that im craving for. his polite talkative and kindness to me. been messaging him through social media but he distance himself from me. I also watched his competitions... he looks great as usual. but some part of me feels like. i shouldn't meet him yett. maybe some other time..... if he wanted to....

ssshhh. until now he doesn't know that i do liked him long time ago. eheew. maybe someday.. during valentines or anniversary i will let him know abt it. can't wait to see his reactions :p

wondering what kind of rules that i broke just for this handsome cute husband of mine??

i never let hooman touches my face. nor hold my hands except my girrrls. but with him. i just let him be. idk where i got that trust to let him touch my face...

meeting me at midnight or whenever he wants? yes. i always make time for that. he allowed to come see me if he wanted to. normally i just keep telling ppl that im bz or pretend that i cant be contacted. because my rest and *me time is much important. but being with him. i let him cross my boundaries and i can havr my me time at the same time. only he CAN do that to me. and im grateful for that. coz ilovehim. A

silent for peace or ignore?

recently, since i had a nightmares. each day by day i continue go through a day act fine even tho deep inside i am really terrified what will be happen to me (unexpected ways. maybe) 

i did told him abt the dreams what its abt. he still convinced and confident said. he will not leaving me. will not. ever. 

i smile :)

then starting to questions myself... why i need a lit of reassurance again and again from him? even we were just perfectly fine. its not about i doubt about him or us. is just me.... what if... im being a red flag women in his life? will he stays and still loves me the same way? or will he let me stays in his life? or does it make him change? what if. what if what if....

yes... its hunting me like crazy. 

i just wish theres a switch off from my brain to stop overthinking and just keep loving him.

and again... shud i stay silent to keep the peace that we have now? orrr shud we open conversation abt it?