If I wake up too early in the morning and can't sleep, you tell me to call you so you can keep me company. If I'm not feeling well, you tell me to call you. If I'm home alone and feeling scared or lonely, you tell me to call you. If I have a nightmare, you tell me to wake you up and call you until you answer. You always remind me, "I'm here, babe. I'm always here for you."
Those words made me feel safe. They made me believe that no matter what happened, I could always count on you.
But when things aren't okay between us, even if we're not arguing, just feeling moody or emotionally distant, everything changes.
Even when I'm right there beside you, your first decision is to send me home. After that, you go silent. You don't reach out first. You don't call. You don't text. And when I try to reach you, most of the time you don't even respond.
In those moments, you're no longer "here for me."
This isn't the first time it's happened. We've already been through this before. We talked about it, and I truly believed we understood each other. I believed things would be different because you promised me I would never have to go through this again.
But today proved otherwise.
It hurts because I'm facing the exact same pain again. The same silence. The same feeling of being pushed away when I need you the most. It's a huge disappointment because I trusted your promise.
Sometimes I wonder if seeing each other so often has made you take me for granted. Or maybe you never really learned anything from what happened before.
After one of our biggest fights, you told me you were serious about wanting to be my husband. I held onto those words because they meant everything to me.
But how am I supposed to believe that when, every time things become emotionally difficult, you shut me out instead of holding onto me?
How am I supposed to feel safe building a future with someone who sends me away when I need reassurance the most?
Lately, I've started questioning everything. Did you choose me because you truly love me, or because I made your lonely life feel less lonely? Do you really understand what it means to love someone, especially when things aren't easy?
Love isn't only about being there when everything is good. It's about choosing each other when things are heavy, uncomfortable, and difficult. It's about staying, communicating, reassuring, and working through it together, not sending each other away and hoping the silence will fix everything.
That's all I've ever wanted from you. Not perfection. Just the feeling that when things go wrong, you'll choose us instead of distance.
since you love distance, maybe its good we gantung this relationship.
And another thing that hurts is how unfair this feels.
I've spent so much time trying to understand you. your pain, your past, your trauma, and everything you've been through that shaped the person you are today. Whenever something happened between us, I tried to look beyond the moment. I reminded myself of your experiences, your struggles, and every possibility that could explain why you reacted the way you did. Not because I wanted to make excuses for you, but because I genuinely wanted to understand you better and love you better.
But did you ever do the same for me?
Did you ever try to understand what shaped me, what hurts me, what I need, or why certain things affect me the way they do?
Looking at what's happening now, it doesn't feel like you did. It feels like I was the only one putting in the effort to understand the person I love while hoping you would eventually do the same for me.
And that's what breaks my heart.
Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm simply not worth that effort. Maybe I'm not worth receiving the same patience, curiosity, understanding, or care that I've always tried to give you. Maybe I'll never get the version of you that truly wants to know me, understand me, and choose me the way I've always chosen you...
