The First Thing You Leave Behind

Every time the sky between us darkens,

you do not raise your voice—

you lower the bridge.

"Don't text."

"Don't call."

"We don't have to meet."

"Let's skip tonight."

As if love is the first thing

that must be packed away

whenever sadness comes knocking.

Our routines—

the quiet good mornings,

the sleepy good nights,

the comfort of simply existing

in each other's day—

become the price we pay

for every misunderstanding.

I keep wondering,

why is distance

always your answer to pain?

While I reach for your hand,

you loosen your grip.

While I search for words,

you erase the places

where words could have lived.

I never feared the arguments

as much as I feared

how easily you offered

to live without me for a while.

Because love,

at least the kind I dream of,

doesn't ask,

"Should we stop being us?"

It whispers,

"I don't know how to fix this yet...

but don't leave my side."

So every time you offer silence,

I quietly ask myself—

If our love is something

you can set aside

whenever life gets heavy,

am I your peace...

or merely the first thing

you're willing to lose?

penat jadi baik.

this year 2026 filled with good and happy memories with friends, a little bit with family but mostly with my beloved man.

but who knows.... this year also filled with tears, fears, sadness with them.. but most of it with my man too.

so here's the thing... each time im really in the state of happiness - there will be sadness/frustration coming upp.. why?

why i said "penat jadi baik", its bcoz selama ni i jadi baik lama2 kna "take me for granted". i hate that feeling just bcoz selfish permintaan such as what??

such as nak keluar hangout with friends sampai tak perlu checking up on? tinggalkan i seorang2 after knowing i cried emotionally which i have to deal it alone coz my man jauhh. i dont wanna feel lonely more or abandoned but it happened anyways... telling me lies like wanna kluar makan jappp.. but ended up few hourss till nak sunrise gone. 

to me. THATS FUCK UPP behavior and words. how come he managed to admit that his fault?? he knew what he was doing but waiting till he reach home first baru nak admitted?? then lastly texted before head to bed was "later we talk okay"..

LATER WE TALK????? 

what we're doing all this time? 24/7 oncalled.. why not direct gimme a called?? exhausted too much? i didn't know hangout with his friends can make him exhaustion until can't even push a button to call me. while all this time, elokkk saja called me each time reach home after sending me home. why after seeing his friends be an exception to not calling me??

and, since when he wanna talk about something went wrong orr where theres a fault?? after everything and that's his last responding by telling me no need to talk to him... well... yourself yg make things go worst.

cukuplah selama nii. when things go wrong, i kena hadap his silence, his hot tempered emotions. his voices loudest shouted at me through phones or facetoface. and keep highlighting about respect/disrespect.. tone up or not.. always like that.. but overall. he just not listening to what i said. he listened to my voice tone not the words that i told him. he seen the actions what i did but not try to understand why i did it...

EVEN we're in a good terms, i always ask or wanna open talk about future how to handle us if things go wrong... and he shows like hes confident can handle it better and better if it comes... but today? now?? what happened to that confident that can handle when things go wrong??

protecting your ego and pride? keep it then. it makes me lost trust in this love. it makes my nerve system feel not safe anymore. im tired telling the same thing.. even directly im hurt. i disappointed... but all he gave me was he silent and enjoy time with his friends untill sunrise. bullshits ever that i need to face that again in my lifetime.

im everything?? im his peace?? im his home??? im his wife?? almost everything???? but MANAGE TO ABANDONED ME UNTIL SUNRISE... NOT BOTHER AT ALL ABOUT ME. well, that sounds like a guy single who has no one to taking care of or remembering... if he missing his single life, he can go bck to single then. iff he feels that i control him, then i let him go so he can have his freedom.. when all i wanted iss needed to be feel loved even his outside with ppl (but rasanya kna nmpk mcm i nak controlling him) then i better step back.

at this point... i do believe this statement where people said "happy wife, happy marriage".

i honesty speechless and heartbroken apart after i told him directly i disappointed. he did nothing. only after reach home and said like those texts? that's heartbreaking.... while i was waiting and hoping he muncul and shows some love more... but i received nothing.

he "later we talk okay"..

why i dont agree to talk? coz i already told him few times im disappointed.. when hes going out AND while he's out. what he did? just informing me that he bumps upp with his friends? soo??? what about me??? he did nothing. he knows i disappointed on him. and he choose to abandoned me. thats a clearly answers for everything dahh. so theres nothing to talk. if you truly in love "purely" konon with someone... you will showed to the women that shes mattered. shes loved. shes not alone... he will be there even hes out. he will immediately sorry for making feels disappointed.. or easy way. he will immediately called to women he truly love.. but overall... i got nothing... again i repeated.. only texted he informing he meet bumps up with his friends and makan2. thats all. 

entah apalah makan2 sampai sunrise few hours gone without checking phone orrr even push button call?? who is this friends actually?? sangat2 respectful to this friends until abandoned me... lebih prefer respectful to this friends smpai x sentuh phone?? and disrespectful to me by leaving me behind?? why need to delay apologizing and anything else? why need to wait smpai rmh dlu bru say all of that? 

i dont need to hear the explanations. i can feel it louder by what actions hes giving during that time... and that is not something i forgive easily again.. 

so many things i didn't forgive him easily on many things.. add on this again?? i can take my time to forgive.. not now but someday... it might take a longest time.. but it will be.

but this time is different. i didn't hide. i didn't fake. he knew i was just done cried badly. emotionally not stable. but still choose to go out just bcoz 1 reason "release stress"...

for the whole fucking day. we're sleeping oncall.. we're not talking much.. and there he is.. going shower.. sleepy... take a short nap. after woke up then wanna go out JUST BECAUSE ADA CAR... ohhyes.... he did ada ajak me keluar. i said, i have no mood. no mood has manyyyy reasons. no mood means i just done cried, my face swollen. i haven't eat yet for the whole day, i haven't showered yet. overall, i have financial issues.. and i don't like the feeling of menyusahkan with my own partner. even i really wanna see him. 

but even i dnt have energy to say all of that.. i just asked him -- just go ahead. why?? coz im tired of getting MAD again. i already told him no need to go out tonight during siang hari. he said OKAY... then dah mentang2 ada ketaa.. nak prefer kluar juga coz nak hilangkan stress. WTF stress ni?? 

and he did it anyways.... keluar nak release stress... habistuu i seorang2 kat rumah tak stress?? tak sedihh?? emotionally tak stable... terrbiar kat rmh... i needed him. but he doesn't need me. he need his friends more than me. 

and thats enough to seen and feel.. theres nothing to talk... he was not inlove fully of me. he's just in love during the best version of me. orrr whenever entertaining moments he wants.

at his worst time. soo far i didnt left him behind. even im there.. he always wanna be alone for awhile. and then come back to me. how about me? still going out until sunrise.. knowing my keadaan is not that good. and thats something facts moment that really hard to forget...

now.. i dont care about whats gonna happen to this relationship. its up to him. iff he wanted to and feeling guilty.. will he dare to change himself and keeping words and promises??? nnoo. i dont put hopes and expectations (even i wanted to).. i dont put on that to him.. coz... what i can see him now.. he just comfortable with his own preferences.. he doesn't care about everything he do or say might be consequences iff he doesn't consider what i was telling him. 

iff ituu yg dia nak buat. go ahead. coz thats the real of youu.. i x control pun.. soo jhyeah.. ive seen it. im just not matter that much as what he told me during good moments.... 

1 more thing about him that im huge disappointed but i still stayed with him no matter what... is that... he didnt realise.. if things go wrong. he never comfort me with full of loved when we’re apart ways... even I didn't get it.. i ended up pujuk diri sndiri and masih lagi stay dngn dia. tpii friends lagi penting dri partner right.. he shouldn't be in a relationship if he cannot take care of his partner no matter what happened.

if that's what I must see.

I cannot describe the weight of this disappointment,

only that it settles where trust once lived.

I don't like what I am seeing.

And if I don't like it,

then perhaps that is answer enough.

I no longer need the reasons,

nor the explanations that come after the hurt.

Some things break the heart

before they ever reach the mind.

Maybe it is better for the world to believe

that I belong to no one,

than for me to proudly say I belong to you

while my heart questions where your eyes wander.

You are my man.

You once promised to guard your eyes,

to not be easily swayed

by every passing beauty the world offers.

I never asked for perfection.

I only asked for a promise

to remain a promise.

Because love was never about possession.

It was about choosing each other,

even when no one was watching.

Today, I carry a silence

heavier than any explanation you could give.

Not because I no longer love you,

but because disappointment

has a way of speaking louder than words.

did he ever loved me? even he's green flag?

Losing my best friend and biggest support system isn't easy at all.

maybe its true.. you still can let go of the person you love while still loving them. maybe its the best decision so no one gets hurts.. maybe we're meant to be in love by distance and not staying together...

im scared from now on... how to live a day without him. without his presence.... im not sure. its terrifying. but hes not terrifying during our difficult moments, hes not even try to asked me if we can start over?? 

its oke to cry now... soon it will stop... i hope he knows and always knew that... i has always loving him so deeply even i had disappointed on him. i hope he carry the memories.. the day where i made him smile and happy... i hope he keep that moment with him along the way...

coz to me : he's been always the best man i ever had in my life. so to savings our mental... i rather take a step back and iloveyou always dear... AA.

the weight of your words.

You told me,

"I always forgive you… but I never forget."

For a moment,

everything inside me went quiet.

I didn't know

whether to feel relieved

that you forgave me,

or terrified

that every mistake I ever made

still lives inside your heart.

Then you said

you already knew what was coming.

That every time

our love became difficult,

every time our emotions became too heavy,

every time our arguments swallowed us whole.

I would say,

"Let's end this."

Or,

"I'm not afraid of what happens after this, even if it means losing you."

You said you expected it.

As though those words

had become a pattern

you no longer questioned.

What you never knew

was that those words

were never a destination.

They were cries

from someone overwhelmed.

A heart speaking louder than wisdom.

A frightened soul

hoping someone would hold it still.

Deep inside,

I wasn't waiting for you to let me go.

I was waiting

for you to remind me

that love doesn't walk away

when emotions become unbearable.

I was hoping

you would hold my hand,

look me in the eyes,

and say,

"We're angry, but we're not ending."

"We'll get through this."

"I'm not giving up on us."

Instead,

you answered,

"Okay then. Make sure you take it to the grave."

Those words

didn't end the argument.

They broke something

I didn't know could break.

Because in that moment,

I realized

you believed my worst words

more than you believed my heart.

Then you told me,

"If you keep saying things like this, it means you never truly loved me. It means you never intended to stay."

I wanted to tell you

how wrong that was.

How someone

who never loved you

wouldn't still be here,

trying to explain,

trying to fix,

trying to be understood

with tears caught between every sentence.

I wanted to tell you

that loving someone

and expressing pain poorly

are not the same thing.

That I was never threatening

to leave because I stopped loving you.

I was speaking

from fear,

hurt,

frustration,

and emotions

I didn't know how to carry.

But every time

I tried to explain,

my voice disappeared beneath yours.

The more I spoke,

the less you heard.

The more I reached for understanding,

the further it seemed to drift away.

Then you said,

"This keeps happening. It's repeated so many times that I don't even need to write it down anymore. It's already stuck in my head."

I couldn't argue anymore.

Not because I agreed with everything.

But because I finally understood

how deeply I had hurt you.

So I became silent.

Not because I had nothing to say.

But because every word

felt too late.

I carried the guilt.

You carried the memories.

And somewhere between

your inability to forget

and my inability to explain,

we both became prisoners

of the same pain.

If only you could have seen

that behind every reckless sentence

was someone terrified

of not being enough.

If only I had known

how deeply those words

were carving themselves

into your heart.

Perhaps

we would have fought each other less,

and fought for each other more.

Because despite everything—

I never wanted to leave.

I only wanted reassurance

from the person

I was so afraid of losing.

And now,

I sit here wondering—

Can love survive

when forgiveness remembers everything...

and explanations

are never truly heard?

the Day I choose Silence.

I believed your words

until they echoed

without ever becoming truth.

I believed your promises

until they became seasons—

always arriving,

never staying.

I believed my tears

would soften your heart.

Instead,

they became another victory

for your pride.

I kept speaking,

not to win,

but to be understood.

I wanted you to know

why I was hurting,

why my voice trembled,

why my heart sounded louder

than my words.

But you never listened.

You heard my tone,

yet ignored my pain.

You judged my voice,

yet never held my heart.

Again and again,

you told me,

"Stop talking."

So I did.

Not because I had nothing left to say,

but because you convinced me

nothing I said

would ever matter.

Then you said

you were done with me,

that you never wanted

to hear another word from me again.

So I gave you

exactly what you asked for—

Silence.

And suddenly,

my quiet became louder

than all the words

you refused to hear.

Your calls came.

Your messages followed.

You asked where I was.

But tell me...

Why search for the voice

you were so desperate to silence?

The saddest part isn't

that I stopped believing you.

It's that somewhere

between your words

and my silence,

I stopped believing

love would ever sound

like home again....

princess don't cryy.

Love in a relationship is more than a feeling. Feelings can become stronger or weaker over time. Love is also a choice and a series of actions that help a relationship grow, even during difficult moments.

A healthy definition of love includes several things:

Care – You genuinely want your partner to be safe, happy, and well, even when it's inconvenient.

Respect – You value each other's thoughts, feelings, boundaries, and individuality. You don't belittle, control, or intentionally hurt one another.

Trust – You believe your partner is honest and dependable, and you work to build that trust over time.

Commitment – You choose to stay engaged with the relationship and work through problems together instead of avoiding every difficult conversation.

Understanding – You try to understand your partner's experiences and emotions, even if you don't fully agree with them.

Communication – Love means talking openly, listening sincerely, and making room for both people's feelings.

Growth – You encourage each other to become healthier, happier, and better versions of yourselves.

What love is not:

Never arguing.

Always feeling butterflies.

Accepting disrespect or repeated emotional harm.

One person doing all the work while the other stops trying.

..

A relationship doesn't need to be perfect. Couples will disagree, make mistakes, and hurt each other unintentionally. The difference is that both people are willing to repair, communicate, and keep choosing the relationship.

A simple way to think about it is:

Love is choosing each other every day through care, respect, honesty, effort, and commitment—even when it's hard.

silent.

he become silent because he stopped caring.

im grieving again.

Im grieving the gap between what he promised and what he actually does when things go difficult... erm.

You once told me that you would never walk away, never leave me, and never let me go through all of this alone again. You told me you were afraid of losing me. I believed every word.

But when things become emotionally difficult, your actions tell me something completely different.

When I'm right beside you and I tell you something is bothering me, you don't ask me to stay and talk. You don't ask what else is on my mind, reassure me, or try to understand me. Instead, you send me home, even when I never asked to leave. Once I'm home, there's no follow-up, no "Can we talk?", no "I don't want you going to bed feeling this way," no effort to make sure we're okay. You just let me go, and then comes the silence.

It's the same when we're apart. Whenever something is wrong between us, you rarely reach out first. You don't ask if we can talk things through or try to understand what's happening. Most of the time, you stay silent, and I'm left wondering if I should be the one to reach out again.

I'm confused because your words and your actions don't match. You said you were scared of losing me, but when I'm slipping away emotionally, you don't seem to fight for us. You don't show me that you're afraid to lose me.

I've spent so much time trying to understand your pain, your past, your trauma, and why you react the way you do. I keep reminding myself to be patient because I know everyone carries silent battles. But I'm your present. Have you ever tried to understand my pain the way I've tried to understand yours? Have you ever stopped to think about what your silence does to me???

I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for communication, reassurance, and effort. I want to feel like when something is wrong between us, we're both willing to fight for the relationship instead of leaving one person to carry all the emotional weight.

Right now, it feels like I'm the only one reaching out, trying to fix things, and trying to keep us together. That's what hurts the most.

err. He used to stay on calls with me almost 24/7. He would accompany me while I slept. That version of him made me feel chosen and safe.

So now, when he who once couldn't leave me alone is suddenly able to stay silent for more than 24 hours after such a painful conversation, of course I'm questioning everything...

lost in thoughts- Lonely

Another day spent at home, alone. Everyone is busy, including my friends. After so long, today is the first day I've been completely silent. I didn't talk to anyone or reach out. I just kept myself distracted by watching YouTube and doing anything I could to pass the time.

But deep down, I feel hurt. I miss you.

We used to spend almost every moment together, staying on the phone 24/7, even falling asleep on call. You were always there to keep me company, and I got used to having your presence in my everyday life.

Today, you're not here. You haven't reached out since our argument last night. Maybe you need space, and I want to respect that. But not hearing from you at all, especially when we haven't resolved anything between us, makes this loneliness feel even heavier.

I wish it were easier for me to go through my day without needing you this much. I wish I didn't carry this weight so easily. I've tried to distract myself, but somehow my mind always finds its way back to you.

I keep looking at my phone, hoping to see your name appear on my screen. Every notification makes me wonder if it's you, but it never is.

Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe you really do need time. But a part of me can't stop wondering—if I truly matter to you, would you have reached out by now??

I don't know what to do anymore. Right now, I'm just sitting with my thoughts, trying to make sense of this silence, and hoping it doesn't mean more than it already feels.

im not matter part 2.

You always tell me that whenever I need you, I should just call you.

If I wake up too early in the morning and can't sleep, you tell me to call you so you can keep me company. If I'm not feeling well, you tell me to call you. If I'm home alone and feeling scared or lonely, you tell me to call you. If I have a nightmare, you tell me to wake you up and call you until you answer. You always remind me, "I'm here, babe. I'm always here for you."

Those words made me feel safe. They made me believe that no matter what happened, I could always count on you.

But when things aren't okay between us, even if we're not arguing, just feeling moody or emotionally distant, everything changes.

Even when I'm right there beside you, your first decision is to send me home. After that, you go silent. You don't reach out first. You don't call. You don't text. And when I try to reach you, most of the time you don't even respond.

In those moments, you're no longer "here for me."

This isn't the first time it's happened. We've already been through this before. We talked about it, and I truly believed we understood each other. I believed things would be different because you promised me I would never have to go through this again.

But today proved otherwise.

It hurts because I'm facing the exact same pain again. The same silence. The same feeling of being pushed away when I need you the most. It's a huge disappointment because I trusted your promise.

Sometimes I wonder if seeing each other so often has made you take me for granted. Or maybe you never really learned anything from what happened before.

After one of our biggest fights, you told me you were serious about wanting to be my husband. I held onto those words because they meant everything to me.

But how am I supposed to believe that when, every time things become emotionally difficult, you shut me out instead of holding onto me?

How am I supposed to feel safe building a future with someone who sends me away when I need reassurance the most?

Lately, I've started questioning everything. Did you choose me because you truly love me, or because I made your lonely life feel less lonely? Do you really understand what it means to love someone, especially when things aren't easy?

Love isn't only about being there when everything is good. It's about choosing each other when things are heavy, uncomfortable, and difficult. It's about staying, communicating, reassuring, and working through it together, not sending each other away and hoping the silence will fix everything.

That's all I've ever wanted from you. Not perfection. Just the feeling that when things go wrong, you'll choose us instead of distance.

since you love distance, maybe its good we gantung this relationship.

And another thing that hurts is how unfair this feels.

I've spent so much time trying to understand you. your pain, your past, your trauma, and everything you've been through that shaped the person you are today. Whenever something happened between us, I tried to look beyond the moment. I reminded myself of your experiences, your struggles, and every possibility that could explain why you reacted the way you did. Not because I wanted to make excuses for you, but because I genuinely wanted to understand you better and love you better.

But did you ever do the same for me?

Did you ever try to understand what shaped me, what hurts me, what I need, or why certain things affect me the way they do?

Looking at what's happening now, it doesn't feel like you did. It feels like I was the only one putting in the effort to understand the person I love while hoping you would eventually do the same for me.

And that's what breaks my heart.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm simply not worth that effort. Maybe I'm not worth receiving the same patience, curiosity, understanding, or care that I've always tried to give you. Maybe I'll never get the version of you that truly wants to know me, understand me, and choose me the way I've always chosen you...

im not matter.

My biggest disappointment isn't just what happened, it's realizing how little you seem to know me despite everything we've been through.

You have time to learn about the sea, animals, cars, your games, vaping, your friends, your family, and even everything that's happening in wars on the other side of the world. You stay updated, you remember details, and you make an effort to understand the things that interest you. But when it comes to me, it feels like you've never really tried to understand who I am, what I need, or how I feel.

Sometimes I wonder why. Is it because I'm still "new" in your life? Is it because we're not family? Or was I just someone who made your lonely days feel less lonely?

Whenever you see that I'm upset or angry, you never ask me to stay a little longer so we can talk things through. You never stop me from leaving with a heavy heart or try to understand what went wrong. You never ask what you could do differently. Instead, your first solution is always to send me home, as if it's easier to avoid the problem than face it together.

And now you're staying silent, making it seem like I'm creating unnecessary drama. I'm not trying to decide who's the victim or whose fault this is. That's not the point.

The point is that I'm deeply disappointed because this keeps happening. Just like before, you let me pack my things, let me walk away, drove me to my friend's house, and never once showed that you were afraid of losing me. In those moments, it felt like your pride and emotions mattered more than my feelings.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. Most of all, I'm disappointed.

We've gone through so many difficult moments together. I thought those experiences would help us grow and teach us how to love each other better. But it feels like nothing has changed. It doesn't feel like you've learned anything about me, about us, or about what this relationship needs.

We've spent so much time together, yet it feels like you still don't know me. You still avoid communicating. You still avoid working through our problems. And every time things become difficult, the easiest choice for you is to send me away instead of fighting for us.

I never expected you to know everything about me overnight. I only wanted to feel that you genuinely wanted to learn me the way you learn about the things you're passionate about. Because when someone truly matters, you become curious about them. You pay attention. You remember. You try to understand them.

That's what hurts the most.