You once told me that you would never walk away, never leave me, and never let me go through all of this alone again. You told me you were afraid of losing me. I believed every word.
But when things become emotionally difficult, your actions tell me something completely different.
When I'm right beside you and I tell you something is bothering me, you don't ask me to stay and talk. You don't ask what else is on my mind, reassure me, or try to understand me. Instead, you send me home, even when I never asked to leave. Once I'm home, there's no follow-up, no "Can we talk?", no "I don't want you going to bed feeling this way," no effort to make sure we're okay. You just let me go, and then comes the silence.
It's the same when we're apart. Whenever something is wrong between us, you rarely reach out first. You don't ask if we can talk things through or try to understand what's happening. Most of the time, you stay silent, and I'm left wondering if I should be the one to reach out again.
I'm confused because your words and your actions don't match. You said you were scared of losing me, but when I'm slipping away emotionally, you don't seem to fight for us. You don't show me that you're afraid to lose me.
I've spent so much time trying to understand your pain, your past, your trauma, and why you react the way you do. I keep reminding myself to be patient because I know everyone carries silent battles. But I'm your present. Have you ever tried to understand my pain the way I've tried to understand yours? Have you ever stopped to think about what your silence does to me???
I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for communication, reassurance, and effort. I want to feel like when something is wrong between us, we're both willing to fight for the relationship instead of leaving one person to carry all the emotional weight.
Right now, it feels like I'm the only one reaching out, trying to fix things, and trying to keep us together. That's what hurts the most.
err. He used to stay on calls with me almost 24/7. He would accompany me while I slept. That version of him made me feel chosen and safe.
So now, when he who once couldn't leave me alone is suddenly able to stay silent for more than 24 hours after such a painful conversation, of course I'm questioning everything...
