but who knows.... this year also filled with tears, fears, sadness with them.. but most of it with my man too.
so here's the thing... each time im really in the state of happiness - there will be sadness/frustration coming upp.. why?
why i said "penat jadi baik", its bcoz selama ni i jadi baik lama2 kna "take me for granted". i hate that feeling just bcoz selfish permintaan such as what??
such as nak keluar hangout with friends sampai tak perlu checking up on? tinggalkan i seorang2 after knowing i cried emotionally which i have to deal it alone coz my man jauhh. i dont wanna feel lonely more or abandoned but it happened anyways... telling me lies like wanna kluar makan jappp.. but ended up few hourss till nak sunrise gone.
to me. THATS FUCK UPP behavior and words. how come he managed to admit that his fault?? he knew what he was doing but waiting till he reach home first baru nak admitted?? then lastly texted before head to bed was "later we talk okay"..
LATER WE TALK?????
what we're doing all this time? 24/7 oncalled.. why not direct gimme a called?? exhausted too much? i didn't know hangout with his friends can make him exhaustion until can't even push a button to call me. while all this time, elokkk saja called me each time reach home after sending me home. why after seeing his friends be an exception to not calling me??
and, since when he wanna talk about something went wrong orr where theres a fault?? after everything and that's his last responding by telling me no need to talk to him... well... yourself yg make things go worst.
cukuplah selama nii. when things go wrong, i kena hadap his silence, his hot tempered emotions. his voices loudest shouted at me through phones or facetoface. and keep highlighting about respect/disrespect.. tone up or not.. always like that.. but overall. he just not listening to what i said. he listened to my voice tone not the words that i told him. he seen the actions what i did but not try to understand why i did it...
EVEN we're in a good terms, i always ask or wanna open talk about future how to handle us if things go wrong... and he shows like hes confident can handle it better and better if it comes... but today? now?? what happened to that confident that can handle when things go wrong??
protecting your ego and pride? keep it then. it makes me lost trust in this love. it makes my nerve system feel not safe anymore. im tired telling the same thing.. even directly im hurt. i disappointed... but all he gave me was he silent and enjoy time with his friends untill sunrise. bullshits ever that i need to face that again in my lifetime.
im everything?? im his peace?? im his home??? im his wife?? almost everything???? but MANAGE TO ABANDONED ME UNTIL SUNRISE... NOT BOTHER AT ALL ABOUT ME. well, that sounds like a guy single who has no one to taking care of or remembering... if he missing his single life, he can go bck to single then. iff he feels that i control him, then i let him go so he can have his freedom.. when all i wanted iss needed to be feel loved even his outside with ppl (but rasanya kna nmpk mcm i nak controlling him) then i better step back.
at this point... i do believe this statement where people said "happy wife, happy marriage".
i honesty speechless and heartbroken apart after i told him directly i disappointed. he did nothing. only after reach home and said like those texts? that's heartbreaking.... while i was waiting and hoping he muncul and shows some love more... but i received nothing.
he "later we talk okay"..
why i dont agree to talk? coz i already told him few times im disappointed.. when hes going out AND while he's out. what he did? just informing me that he bumps upp with his friends? soo??? what about me??? he did nothing. he knows i disappointed on him. and he choose to abandoned me. thats a clearly answers for everything dahh. so theres nothing to talk. if you truly in love "purely" konon with someone... you will showed to the women that shes mattered. shes loved. shes not alone... he will be there even hes out. he will immediately sorry for making feels disappointed.. or easy way. he will immediately called to women he truly love.. but overall... i got nothing... again i repeated.. only texted he informing he meet bumps up with his friends and makan2. thats all.
entah apalah makan2 sampai sunrise few hours gone without checking phone orrr even push button call?? who is this friends actually?? sangat2 respectful to this friends until abandoned me... lebih prefer respectful to this friends smpai x sentuh phone?? and disrespectful to me by leaving me behind?? why need to delay apologizing and anything else? why need to wait smpai rmh dlu bru say all of that?
i dont need to hear the explanations. i can feel it louder by what actions hes giving during that time... and that is not something i forgive easily again..
so many things i didn't forgive him easily on many things.. add on this again?? i can take my time to forgive.. not now but someday... it might take a longest time.. but it will be.
but this time is different. i didn't hide. i didn't fake. he knew i was just done cried badly. emotionally not stable. but still choose to go out just bcoz 1 reason "release stress"...
for the whole fucking day. we're sleeping oncall.. we're not talking much.. and there he is.. going shower.. sleepy... take a short nap. after woke up then wanna go out JUST BECAUSE ADA CAR... ohhyes.... he did ada ajak me keluar. i said, i have no mood. no mood has manyyyy reasons. no mood means i just done cried, my face swollen. i haven't eat yet for the whole day, i haven't showered yet. overall, i have financial issues.. and i don't like the feeling of menyusahkan with my own partner. even i really wanna see him.
but even i dnt have energy to say all of that.. i just asked him -- just go ahead. why?? coz im tired of getting MAD again. i already told him no need to go out tonight during siang hari. he said OKAY... then dah mentang2 ada ketaa.. nak prefer kluar juga coz nak hilangkan stress. WTF stress ni??
and he did it anyways.... keluar nak release stress... habistuu i seorang2 kat rumah tak stress?? tak sedihh?? emotionally tak stable... terrbiar kat rmh... i needed him. but he doesn't need me. he need his friends more than me.
and thats enough to seen and feel.. theres nothing to talk... he was not inlove fully of me. he's just in love during the best version of me. orrr whenever entertaining moments he wants.
at his worst time. soo far i didnt left him behind. even im there.. he always wanna be alone for awhile. and then come back to me. how about me? still going out until sunrise.. knowing my keadaan is not that good. and thats something facts moment that really hard to forget...
now.. i dont care about whats gonna happen to this relationship. its up to him. iff he wanted to and feeling guilty.. will he dare to change himself and keeping words and promises??? nnoo. i dont put hopes and expectations (even i wanted to).. i dont put on that to him.. coz... what i can see him now.. he just comfortable with his own preferences.. he doesn't care about everything he do or say might be consequences iff he doesn't consider what i was telling him.
iff ituu yg dia nak buat. go ahead. coz thats the real of youu.. i x control pun.. soo jhyeah.. ive seen it. im just not matter that much as what he told me during good moments....
1 more thing about him that im huge disappointed but i still stayed with him no matter what... is that... he didnt realise.. if things go wrong. he never comfort me with full of loved when we’re apart ways... even I didn't get it.. i ended up pujuk diri sndiri and masih lagi stay dngn dia. tpii friends lagi penting dri partner right.. he shouldn't be in a relationship if he cannot take care of his partner no matter what happened.
