“What do you want now?”
Not because I wanted you
to carry everything for me.
Not because I couldn’t choose.
But because my heart was searching
for a sign that you were still here.
I was hoping you would say,
“I still want us.”
“I’m tired, but I don’t want to lose you.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
But instead, you asked me,
“Decide for yourself.”
And I became quiet.
Because how do I decide
when my heart is still waiting
to know if it is being chosen?
How do I know whether to hold on
or let go,
when the person I love
is standing beside me
but I cannot feel where they stand?
I know I have my flaws.
I know my emotions can become heavy.
I know sometimes my words come out wrong
when my heart is only asking to be understood.
I never wanted arguments.
I never wanted to destroy the peace
you were searching for.
I was only trying to say,
“Please don’t give up on me so quickly.”
“Please don’t see my worst moments
as the only version of me.”
Because behind my anger
is a heart that cares.
Behind my tears
is someone afraid of losing you.
But now I am faced with a question
I never wanted to answer alone…
Do I keep fighting for us
when I don’t know if you are still fighting too?
Do I stay because I love you,
or do I leave because I am tired
of wondering if I am still wanted?
Maybe the hardest part is not choosing.
Maybe the hardest part is realizing
that I wanted you to choose me too...
