lemonny.

yes, i finally meet my right person but the thing is. this time. im the one wrong person....

im sorry i hurt you, it hurts me too.

i can't undo what happened.

and im not here to pretend one mistakes didnt break everything. im not asking you to forget it. im just asking you to see that im genuinely trying to become better, perfect and iloveyou. my feelings were real and valid.

losing you feels like carrying a weight that i cant even put down.

every moment we shared still lives in me..

i, i dont wanna lose youu. im sorry didnt love you the way you deserve.. i just wanted to be your last. i cant letting you go just what i did back in sabah. its keep hunting me of my mistakes.... im sorry.

teach me silence?

so, being ignored and silence means... wanna teach me a lessons? are you sure? are you sure youre not grateful for me coming bck to you and still talking nonsense and fighting for you? ok....

if my silence existing makes you peace and freedom. then... i have to face it. and teach my heart. uts ok to be broken and painful now. someday.. when im healed again. do not come to destroy me like you doing now. 

just always remember that... i always love youu even at your worst. it was never my intentions for leaving you bcoz you're not enough. its just bcoz of me being me.. had to leave you. and idk myself why i still want you back again and again... 

youre right.. maybe... i treat you like a games. im sorry make you feel that way. it was never cross my mind to think that way. im hurt. im confuse. i need comfort. you gimme questions. i need reassurance and safety. you show more abt who started first argument. i need youu. the reall youuu. like the first guy meet me. i need him back. not the current. whatever i said and expressing. its an argument to him... it feels like im not inlove with the same guy anymore...... im just talking to a guy who hated too muchh to a girl who doesn't knw what she saying or doing. i can sense the anger. pissed off. unsatisfied and hater too much from him...

and thats not my A that im falling for in the first place :'(

idk who im talking to. 

its ok. i will be missing youu. always. and its ok... missing you is just part of my moving on... im sorry.. i didnt fulfill yours or ours dreams. even im still here existing... yett. all i get is unsatisfied and hater...

i deserve it. maybe. my fault. its my fault for meeting you again and falling inlove was never the plan in life. im very sorry dear self .. :(

how to make you feel.

i don't knw how to make you feel what i feel. This isn't "i wish you were here".

this isn't "i don't knw how to exist properly without you here".

this is an ache that doesn't  fade, it just becomes familiar :')

heyy lovee

my dear beloved husband,

i didn't want to argue.

i just wanted you to care about the things that hurt me. BUT you made me feel like i was too much.

i wanted to feel heard without having to explain myself over and over. i wanted you to notice the pain instead of dismissing it (just by giving a quick or or silent) you always do that to me. then the balance of the pain what im gonna do??

i wanted comfort not defensiveness. every time i spoke up. it felt like i was asking for something unreasonable. like my feelings were a burden.

so i started holding bck. 

i swallowed my words and told myself to be patient. to be understanding. to be SMALLER.

but.. love shouldn't make me feel like i hve to stay quiet just to keep peace.

i never wanted argue. i was only asking for care. for effort. for reassurance that what i felt mattered to youu. bcoz when the person you love keeps making you feel like im tooo much..? then started believing that maybe... maybe im the problem. and thats the part that hurts me the most.

so, heres my final goodbye.

ive finally accepted that we can't be together anymore. we never fully understood each other. and that truth hurts more than i expected. still....... thankyou for showing me what love feels like and what heartbreak feels like too. i hope my distance gives you peace and freedom. i really tried with all i had. Our plans didn't work but my feelings  were real.

im learning to live with the silence you left behind, one day at a time.

make devil cry

maybe...

maybe its my fault, i put you up so high

darling, i think you could make the Devil cry

and ive been waiting for the sunset

waiting for a sorry

but youre never sorry, are you?

No. you don't even care

how can you stand and watch while im breaking all my bones

trying to hold you close

cut my heart right, out of my body

tearing offf my skin, just to let you in

isn't it a bit of unethical??

a women can love deeply and still walk away. Love does not erase self-respect. when she finally choose herself. it is not bcoz she was weak or unfaithful. it is bcoz she grew tired of begging for basic kindness.

and this is the part many men learn tooo late. the women you treated carelessly will oneday be cherished by somekne who understands her value. she will be bloom where she is respected. such is.. life.

what abt boundaries?

I know Ive been with someone bs before, but you knw what? for the firstime... i let someone cross my boundaries..

i choose to give someone chance and that someone is my husband now. A.

just to keep you in life, I broke all my rules. and thats why I accept him at first place. coz i liked him a long time ago. been thinking abt him a lot lately wayyyy before meet him again in life. why?

why him? why?

because among all my friends back in land below the wind, he was approached me more than once. back then he was introverted. didnt put effort much of wanting me in his life. i tot he just joking around. so i jokingly rejected him too. 

but honestly, something abt him that im craving for. his polite talkative and kindness to me. been messaging him through social media but he distance himself from me. I also watched his competitions... he looks great as usual. but some part of me feels like. i shouldn't meet him yett. maybe some other time..... if he wanted to....

ssshhh. until now he doesn't know that i do liked him long time ago. eheew. maybe someday.. during valentines or anniversary i will let him know abt it. can't wait to see his reactions :p

wondering what kind of rules that i broke just for this handsome cute husband of mine??

i never let hooman touches my face. nor hold my hands except my girrrls. but with him. i just let him be. idk where i got that trust to let him touch my face...

meeting me at midnight or whenever he wants? yes. i always make time for that. he allowed to come see me if he wanted to. normally i just keep telling ppl that im bz or pretend that i cant be contacted. because my rest and *me time is much important. but being with him. i let him cross my boundaries and i can havr my me time at the same time. only he CAN do that to me. and im grateful for that. coz ilovehim. A

silent for peace or ignore?

recently, since i had a nightmares. each day by day i continue go through a day act fine even tho deep inside i am really terrified what will be happen to me (unexpected ways. maybe) 

i did told him abt the dreams what its abt. he still convinced and confident said. he will not leaving me. will not. ever. 

i smile :)

then starting to questions myself... why i need a lit of reassurance again and again from him? even we were just perfectly fine. its not about i doubt about him or us. is just me.... what if... im being a red flag women in his life? will he stays and still loves me the same way? or will he let me stays in his life? or does it make him change? what if. what if what if....

yes... its hunting me like crazy. 

i just wish theres a switch off from my brain to stop overthinking and just keep loving him.

and again... shud i stay silent to keep the peace that we have now? orrr shud we open conversation abt it?

new year with Stars

my new year started with blessings that I have by my side till now. I was having a sleepless night, pain internal physically (will not mention in details), and burnout from overworked. 

somehow, im just grateful too much I have him by my side. i know everyone is not perfect but to me. he is perfect in fulfill my needs and wants whenever he cann provided. Im just being a baby most of time and he just keep on telling me he loves me still. and that hurts me inside. because Im scared abt myself is not good enough for him. i just wanna give my best for him. and be better for him. even I dnt feel it most of the time. kalaulah bolehhh, i just wanna pick stars and give him. so he can sell it. and buy whatever he wants. ahahaha. 

we're been through so much last year. I just hope i still have him by my side, create more memories and keep talking abt our life nonstops.

btw, im wondering if he ever feel scared if we stop making memories?

nahhh.. nothing. just saying.... ehee. iloveyouu so much husband A :3