Tonight, Im so exhausted, excited, overthinking too too much, and suffering. All happen is at the same time. I am multi-tasking on everything.
Whatever unspoken word, I keep it inside,
Tears will come later, smile first on my own,
But second I must calm down,
What's in your mind think and heart feel actually when you keep hide.
Tonight is another miserable day and history of my life which is. I failed as a partner and as a daughter. Which is also the cause of losing both of them in my life. Yes, it's true. I lost both of the man in my life. Lost in a way which I can say, leaving me and throw me like I was just a material or not human treatment.
I'm pretty sure both of them cannot be replaced by money nor another human. But, it just makes me broke into pool of tears and pain for holding on.
I already lost my mom, I lost perfect harmony family, I lost my girls BFF, I lost my kolej-mates. I was not allowed to have a pet which is my fav is Cat. All of this, its just make me sadner even more. I'm not sure what other words to describe sadness or pain.
Since I met and Inloved with the man that I finally decided wannna spend time in lifetime, I'm slowly healing bcoz of him. My depression is gone. My anxiety still there, well at least I am getting better since he willingly start a chapter with me. Unfortunately, I have to let him go. I have to make him believe that I am worst and not made for him. Not worth at all. In that way, he can move on easily. I'm broke into tears and almost like insane or madness of me doin all of this bad thing to him. I need him so badly in my life, yet I can't make him happy. He's just suffering with me all this time. If I can't make him happy, how Im gonna move forward without overthinking? It will never be easy to go on this life without him and knowing that I can't called him Mine edy. I'm just pain and hurt. I missed him a lot too too much. I'm so sorry my dear baby.
On the other sides, all this years in my life, I patience a lot. Im being an obedient daughter, I tried to be perfect daughter all this yearssssss. Even treat like a robot edy. And been controlled. But, *semakin saya bersuara atau pun berkata, semakin itulah saya Di pijak Dan Di tempias ayat2 yg x sepatutnya..
That's the moment I let it out and being devil daughter.
I knw. I dnt have no one else to protect me, support and wipe my tears. Everything I face today and tonight is just myself. My own. Me and I. While hugging all my plushies and Teddy. I can hear the whisper very clearly. I should end my life. But, at the same time. Idk why my partner or my ex. Idk what are we. But idk why I cared and think a lot abt him. Coz I feel bad. I can't keep my words and promises. That I will be with him till he achieved what he wants. Idc abt my dad any more, if he dah boleh sayings things that unrelated abt or towards me and dnt wanna care abt me. I'm fine then. I know I will be fine later, and I know too. Fine is just fake.
I'm still considering, what to do with my life...
I just managed to heard the whispered only...
